Sarah | Breaking the Silence on Abortion

AbortionChildfree

Jan 19

Written By Population Balance

Raised within pronatalist rural Midwestern US, Sarah experienced an accidental pregnancy while serving in the Peace Corps and chose to have an abortion. Feeling ashamed and lonely, she turned to the healing power of nature by hiking the Appalachian Trail and found the courage to write a book and speak publicly about her abortion experience. A decade later, Sarah remains grateful for her abortion and lives a childfree, materially simple life in kinship with the more-than-human world.

Sarah (00:00):
I am actually really, really grateful for my abortion. If I had a menu of life, there's no way in hell I would choose it, but now that I've had it, I'm just really thankful. And so I want to talk about it. I want to make it normal. A lot of people have a lot of moral ambiguity about abortion and I can say I would be right there with you had this not happened to me firsthand. So I have a lot of compassion.
Nandita Bajaj (00:44):
That was today's guest, Sarah. Hi everyone, and thank you for joining me. My name is Nandita Bajaj and I'm the host of Beyond Pronatalism: Finding Fulfillment With Or Without Kids, an interview series in which through intimate conversations with women and men from diverse backgrounds, I explore how they are courageously and creatively navigating pronatalism - the often unspoken pressures to have children, whether from family, friends, or the culture at large. In each episode, I dive into personal stories with people who are forging unconventional pathways to fulfillment, including redefining what family means to them, whether that means being childfree or childless, having biological kids, adopting or fostering children or animals, or creating close-knit communities of friends and loved ones. Hi, Sarah, and welcome to Beyond Pronatalism. I am so excited to have you here.
Sarah (01:41):
Yeah, and I'm really happy to be here too. You've been a big part of my life for a while.
Nandita Bajaj (01:47):
Oh, thank you so much. And the more I've gotten to hear about your story and the way you live your life, I am constantly inspired and I'm excited to delve into that today as well. So as a way to introduce yourself, could you share a little bit about yourself?
Sarah (02:09):
Sure. I was born and raised in the Midwest of the United States, and I really enjoy the Mark Twain quote who said, "When the world ends, I want to be in Cincinnati, Ohio because they're always 20 years behind the times." And I feel like that's a really good way to share how some of the things that I have to say might sound antiquated, but it feels very true still. Yeah, I'm nearly 40 years old, so almost menopausal, woo-hoo. And I live in a tiny house in a town, and I really try to refrain from the traps of modernity.
Nandita Bajaj (02:59):
Well, that's a great description. And I want to go deeper into the Cincinnati, Ohio quote. Can you start by telling us a little bit about your upbringing and what were some of the pronatalist trappings of that upbringing, if any?
Sarah (03:15):
Yeah. So I grew up in the rural Midwest and my childhood was very quaint, two parents, an older sibling, so there's two of us. And we had dinner together every evening and went to church every Sunday. And on vacations, we would often go to state parks and it was there that my love for the outdoors began. It was kind of like a refuge, and there was a lot of yelling and bickering in my house. And so going outside and laying on the ground and being around trees who stand in the same place their whole lives, that was just very, very reassuring and soothing for me. I don't think I really had much persuasion from my parents to have children. I found out later in life that my dad didn't really want to have children, but my mom really did. And so she convinced my dad to have children.
(04:19):
So I didn't get anything from my father, of course. My mother would say things like, "Oh, you'll understand when you have your own children." Or she, as a young person out of college, she did some traveling. And so she kind of encouraged us girls to also have pursuits before. She would say things like, "Before you get married and have children." So I guess there was kind of an undertone of, of course you would someday get married and have children, but I think she was a little too effective with me. In my 20s, all I wanted to do was travel and kind of had all of these peak experiences. In my late 20s, I decided to join the Peace Corps and I was stationed in a waterey of a country and there they eat a lot of rice. So the first part of Peace Corps, you stay with a host family and in order to please them, I would eat just all of the rice they could give me, and it was a lot.
(05:27):
So I grew very big, and I hold my weight in my belly. So when I went to the town where I ended up living, I later learned that my town had a rumor that I was pregnant because I looked very much pregnant, but then once I was in my own place and started eating the way that I normally eat, I lost a lot of weight. So the rumor was that I had had an abortion. And so the friend that had told me this in the town that I was living, she told me about this town rumor and I said, "I would never do that. " And I'm a fairly avid journaler. And so I look back and I realize that I had that conversation with my town friend 158 days before having my abortion. I was saying, "I would never do that. " So yeah, for this reason, I feel like I'm a fairly good spokesperson for abortion because a lot of people have a lot of moral ambiguity about abortion and I can say I would be right there with you had this not happened to me firsthand. So I have a lot of compassion.
Nandita Bajaj (06:50):
And can you speak more to the moral ambiguity piece? Was that part of the upbringing that you had, that you'd grown up believing that there was something morally wrong about it?
Sarah (07:03):
Yeah. It's been about 10 years since my abortion and since then I've been trying to find ways to support myself because I also have compassion for who I was and the place, the situation that I was in. A lot of Peace Corps volunteers do become pregnant because you're away from your family and you're trying to find belonging. So it's a little hard for me to recall some of the moral issues I had before I started to try and support my former self. I can't say that there was any explicit rhetoric against abortion. It was just never talked about. And so kind of like one of those areas in life that are avoided, you kind of just assume that you avoid those topics because they're not okay.
Nandita Bajaj (08:02):
Right. Yes. And what was your experience like having the operation done?
Sarah (08:09):
So I know for a lot of people it's really an easy event for them, but I'm a chronic overthinker. And so I really had a lot of time to contemplate and I did options counseling and different methods of deciding on whether or not to have a child. One of the ways that I tried to decide was I went on this really long walk across the city that I was in to get to a park because again, nature is, it's like how I connect with the divine. So I wanted to have that input. And I had a notebook with me and as I walked through the city, I kind of did a tally mark yes or no for did I think that it was wise to bring a child into the world. And so this walk was fairly long. I think it took me about two hours to get there and overwhelmingly there was no tally marks.
(09:12):
And I remember one of the no's was I saw this group of children being led to a playground, that playground had a wire fence around it and the children were being led on a rope. It was just a very sad scene to me of kind of the mass hurting that is done for children. And there's not enough time to be individuals or have true interactions of play outside of fences, but I didn't tell my family right away that I had had an abortion or that I was even back from Peace Corps. Yeah, I guess the shame factor. So it ended up being a very, very lonely time, very dark. And I decided to both terminate the pregnancy and terminate my time in Peace Corps. So I was like out of a job and a house all at the same time and away from this dream that I had built of living in a different place and experiencing a culture that wasn't mine.
(10:22):
And I definitely was having some reverse culture shock being back in the United States. So I decided to hike the Appalachian Trail as a version of walk therapy and that trail is a little over 2000 miles. It goes from the southeast part of the United States up to the northern part near Canada. And yeah, that was really cheap therapy for me and effective because like I said, being in nature is definitely a way that I feel connected to the larger whole.
Nandita Bajaj (11:02):
Right. Wow. Well, thanks so much for sharing all of that. And that sounds like an awfully lonely time post-abortion. You said you felt a lot of shame and you didn't tell your family about it. Did you ever tell your family about it? And also, what was it at the time that was preventing you from sharing this? Was it a fear of rejection?
Sarah (11:29):
Yeah. Well, I'm still somewhat censored with who I share with. I've told both my parents, but I haven't told my sister. My sister has four children and is very focused on children and babies in particular. So I think the shame is somewhat that as I was silent about my abortion, the things that my family was most eager to share with me were things about my sister's kids. And so I knew children were kind of like this exciting part of their lives and that juxtaposition of my secret loss and my sister's status, it's fairly prevalent in my life even still. I did for my 10-year anniversary of the abortion, I wrote a book about it and that was extremely healing. And I mean, I only printed off copies of the book to share with people that I trusted, but when I got the book delivered to me at first, I just wanted to put it in the nearest dumpster, but then I was like, "No, people will find it in the dumpster. I've got to burn them."
(12:57):
But I did it. I ended up sharing it with some trusted people in my community, and that's been just so amazing to have people that I'm not sure what their views on abortion are. In fact, even a lot of liberal people that I'm around, they still don't really know what to think about abortion or maybe even overtly say, "This abortion is not something that I condone." So having them hold my book that talks about it and having people have a person in their life that they know and love who has had an abortion, I think has helped some people to understand the need for it. And it's just been really nice to know that I'm still supported by a lot of people, even if my shaming secret is out there now. So I recommend that for anyone. Just put your secrets in a book and put them out there.
Nandita Bajaj (14:03):
I love that. And it must have felt so vindicating afterwards because it's amazing that even 10 years after the abortion procedure, you still held onto that shame. And even after you put it out there in a book, you were still self-censoring and carrying that shame. And I love that you followed through with distributing it to some of the people that you felt close to, and that it had such a liberating impact. After having gone through this process, what is your relationship to your abortion today?
Sarah (14:42):
Yeah, my relationship to my abortion today, I am actually really, really grateful for my abortion. If I had a menu of life, there's no way in hell I would choose it, but now that I've had it, I'm just really thankful that first I am part of this kind of unspoken community, like one in four people will have an abortion in their lifetime, and I feel like I am somewhat of a privileged white person, and so to be able to speak about abortion openly, it kind of needs a person that has some padding behind them, and so I want to talk about it. I want to make it normal. It's also kind of connected me to discrimination. I think there's a lot of really fiery feelings out there, so I feel like that puts me in touch with something that, again, as a white person, it can be hard to tap into in this country.
(15:49):
And with my book, I've started doing speaking at schools and that feels really good. Before my abortion, I don't think I knew a single person who had had an abortion. And so I was really doing this thing all alone and I wonder when I'm presenting to students, it feels like some students have already had abortion as part of their life experience. And so to have this person standing in front of them talking about it, for me, that would've been really beneficial to have someone like that in my life.
Nandita Bajaj (16:31):
It also goes to show how pervasive the abortion stigma is in culture. As you said, even among so many liberals, there is this subtle pro-life sentiment where people might even say that it should be avoided at all costs and family planning is the best way to avoid it, but we know how many pregnancies are accidental. Half of all pregnancies in the world are unintended, so contraceptives fail and all sorts of reasons why abortion needs to be in the array of fertility management. And I'm so glad that you are receiving the kind of feedback you are from other people, young people who may feel so isolated as you did. And it also shows you how many people carry that burden alone just as you did.
Sarah (17:30):
Yeah. I like what you're saying though, Nandita. Abortion I feel like is so much more prevalent than we know. There is so much silence about it. I started researching the history of abortion for my book and specifically abortificant herbs, and there's hundreds of them. It's almost kind of astounding that humans were ever able to conceive when we were using those plants. And I have this theory that if we think about the prevalence of abortion throughout history, I kind of attribute it to that is the reason that has kept our population to a reasonable size. And if we hadn't had it, then we would've exceeded the Earth's capacity for human life a long time ago. And so I kind of feel like if you're alive right now, thank someone who's had an abortion.
Nandita Bajaj (18:35):
That's such an interesting point because we've had a few other researchers on the OVERSHOOT Podcast who've spoken about the prevalence of fertility management throughout history. There's kind of this notion that birth control or fertility management started really with the advent of modern contraception and that before that people, women specifically, didn't know what to do and couldn't control their fertility. And that's totally not true. As you're saying, there have been throughout history so many ways through plants and herbs to control our fertility and to practice self-abortion.
Sarah (19:19):
Yeah. I was raised in the Christian faith and even in the Bible, there's a book called Numbers and in chapter five, it details a priest giving bitter herbs to a woman to have an abortion. So it's been around for a very, very long time. There's certain plants that have gone extinct because of overuse. They were so effective in preventing pregnancies.
Nandita Bajaj (19:49):
And it also tells you, back on the population question is when given the opportunity, women choose to have fewer or no children and control their own fertility. And we are seeing that trend today and people are having fewer or no children and the institutions of power that depend on population growth are freaking out for that reason. Independence or feminism or gender equality are all threats to that system. So stigma holds a very powerful role in maintaining that control over reproductive decisions. Punishment, shaming, self-censorship are all different controls that are used by these different institutions to keep us from having that community of empowerment, right? Talking to other people about abortions. Why did you never hear from other people who had had abortions when you said one in four people have gone through that procedure?
Sarah (20:57):
This past summer, I was a part of a new group and they had us introduce ourselves by saying something that was unique to us, which was a fascinating way to get to know people. But I said, "I've had an abortion. That's not unique to me, but we don't talk about it. " And so this was probably a group of about 40 people and no one really said anything during our session, but afterwards the person sitting next to me was like, "Yeah, that thing that you mentioned, me too." And I have no regrets, but the fact that she couldn't even say the word abortion, that thing that you mentioned.
Nandita Bajaj (21:41):
That is such a good example. Well, that is such a cool journey. And I also appreciated what you said about during that really lonely time that nature was your source of strength and healing. You did that trail, the Appalachian Trail. Do you want to say anything more about that?
Sarah (22:01):
Sure. This summer, I just had a 10-year reunion with some of the people that I met on the trail, kind of meet up with people that are at your same hiking pace. And for me, as a single woman who is choosing not to have children, it is really important to find family in other ways. And so these people that I met 10 years ago, us reuniting to hike again, they're family and that trail is family. I really enjoy the term more-than-human kin. There's just so many things that we can consider family and here in the Midwest, only progeny kind of count as family, but that is very limited.
Nandita Bajaj (22:49):
I love that too. And speaking of kinship, now that you've spoken so much about how grateful you are about your decision to have had that abortion, how would you describe your life today, your status today, in terms of your kinship?
Sarah (23:11):
I really try to live a very simple life. Yeah, I'm really trying to keep in mind that specifically in the US, our lives have a very, very huge ecological footprint. I've chosen a lot of limits for myself. Yeah, I like to think of myself as a modern day explorer and some of the things that I'm exploring is just going against convention of our times. So I choose not to have internet in my house, and I went for a really long time without having a phone, about two and a half years. I just picked that up again recently. I did a bicycling trip across the United States, and so I needed a phone for that. I most often walk places. I do have a car because the Midwest is rather sprawled, and I'm just trying to consume less and less. I never online shop. I don't have things delivered to my door.
(24:18):
I'm aware of this video call right now and the data centers being put up near where I live. Well, I love the freedom that not having children gives me. I find more and more that I just really enjoy the quiet, and I feel like that is an increasingly rare commodity in this world. So yeah, I feel like my life with children would definitely be a little bit more chaotic than it can be without children. I like the calm and the solitude that comes. Sometimes I work so much, like two or three jobs, and other times I don't work at all on a job that gives me money. And right now I am not working for money, but I'm kind of honing my skills of writing, which has been a passion that I've had since I was a little kid, but it doesn't necessarily pay money.
(25:22):
And so I can feel free to take that little pause in employment and do that. I have to say though, I still really question meaning of life and fulfillment of life, so much so that I thought I can't be interviewed for this podcast. It's all about people that have figured that out. And again, I think it is somewhat to do with being in the Midwest. So many things are focused around children. So a lot of people my age, the friends that they would have would be friends of your children's or like those sorts of meetups on playgrounds or school dates. So even though I know that I really enjoy my life, I mean, maybe I'm just kind of constantly a seeker for meaning and maybe that is the whole point is to continue to seek.
Nandita Bajaj (26:22):
I really appreciate that. In fact, when we were choosing the tagline for this podcast, we didn't say found fulfillment, it's finding fulfillment and it is a verb that is an ongoing pursuit. So I think what you're saying is true probably for most people who are on any given path where they are actively seeking for meaning or fulfillment. There is no destination, there is no arrival point, and I think that's kind of the mystery of life itself too, isn't it?
Sarah (27:02):
Right. It's quite miraculous.
Nandita Bajaj (27:05):
Yeah, it is. And given where you are at today, I'd like to hear more about the kind of relationship you have with your family. I understand that there was a period of isolation and probably even some estrangement. Where are you at today with them and how do you relate to them?
Sarah (27:27):
Well, I have been open with my parents about where I'm at in life. It's been a slow process for them. I think it's hard for them. They'll never quite understand what it's like to be a not-parent because they are parents themselves, and specifically in contrast to my sister that does have four children. I recently did something that I felt was fairly bold of myself, but it was somewhat well-received. I asked my parents if they would just kind of take a tally of how much they spend on my sister's kids every year, and I asked if they would contribute that same amount to an organization that I feel passionately about. And so to my surprise, they did. So that made me feel really good that they're starting to see my interests not just as a void, but as something that not having children can be a net positive experience as well.
Nandita Bajaj (28:38):
That's such a big step of directly or indirectly acknowledging the legitimacy of your path. And I love that if they didn't necessarily recognize it themselves, you made them recognize it. And I think the burden of that education falls on sometimes people like us who are taking these alternative paths to help bridge that gap between our families who've only known one way of living lives. And then like yours, a lot of people find that their family's responses surprise them.
Sarah (29:21):
Yeah. I don't blame them at all for not having that equality in the relationship because that's just like the tradition and how they've been taught and what was valued in their family systems as well. But I'm really happy that they can start to see that there is perhaps need to have people feel valued for other things rather than children, just children.
Nandita Bajaj (29:48):
Well, Sarah, this has been such an incredible story to hear and to platform. And I'm so glad that you went into the details of what has been a challenging but then eventually liberating experience for you. And I know how many people you have already and will continue to liberate by sharing your own personal story. This is such an important and underrepresented story within even our non-dominant life paths. Not enough people speak about abortions and also the minimalist lifestyle that you've chosen and everything that you're doing on behalf of the planet and for the more-than-human kin. I really appreciate everything that you've shared today. And thanks so much for joining me today.
Sarah (30:41):
Yeah. And I thank you so much for being who you are and being receptive for people's stories. I think we can be fairly honest and open with you. And so having this platform where people can voice some of the things that they haven't ever been able to express before in life is very freeing. And to receive those stories too as a listener is just really incredible. So thank you for all the work you're doing.
Nandita Bajaj (31:14):
Thank you so much. And I truly, I thank all of our guests for having the courage to share their stories, including you, which is what makes this podcast so meaningful.
(31:29):
That's all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Whether you'd like to share feedback about the show or a particular episode or whether you'd like to join me on the show to share your own story, I'd love to hear from you. Check out the show notes to see how you can get in touch with me. Thank you so much again for joining me today as we collectively discover and celebrate the many different pathways to fulfillment beyond pronatalism. Beyond Pronatalism is brought to you by Population Balance, the only nonprofit organization advancing ecological and reproductive justice by confronting pronatalism. This podcast is produced and hosted by me, Nandita Bajaj, with the support of my production team, Josh Wild and Alan Ware.