Parker | Getting a Vasectomy at 18

VasectomyOverpopulationChildfree

Feb 17

Written By Population Balance

Parker had known since he was young that he didn't want children, a choice his parents fully supported. However, his request to get a vasectomy at 18 was denied by most medical professionals on the basis of his age. After a lengthy deliberation process, one clinic agreed to perform the procedure on the condition that he freeze his sperm. Now 22, Parker chats about the relief he and his partner feel after his vasectomy and reflects on his commitment to normalize male reproductive responsibility and the childfree choice.

Note: Dr. Stein’s guidelines prior to meeting Parker were to limit vasectomy for childfree men to those who were "of sound mind and over the age of 21" (not 25 as Parker said) simply because those are the criteria for qualifying for federal assistance under Medicaid and Title X (Ten).

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

Parker (00:00):
When you're getting a vasectomy, everyone talks about regret. Will you regret it? Nobody talks about the regret of having a child that you don't want through an unwanted pregnancy. That can derail your life. An unwanted child is more permanent than a vasectomy, even. Nobody bats an eye when you do have children. But the second you say you don't want to have children, people really call it into question. And I was called selfish for wanting to not have kids. And I think that really is a crazy, crazy narrative that that is the default with where we're at in life.
Nandita Bajaj (00:40):
That was today's guest, Parker. Hi everyone, and thank you for joining me. My name is Nandita Bajaj and I'm the host of Beyond Pronatalism, Finding Fulfillment With or Without Kids, an interview series in which through intimate conversations with women and men from diverse backgrounds, I explore how they are courageously and creatively navigating pronatalism - the often unspoken pressures to have children, whether from family, friends, or the culture at large. In each episode, I dive into personal stories with people who are forging unconventional pathways to fulfillment, including redefining what family means to them, whether that means being childfree or childless, having biological kids, adopting or fostering children or animals, or creating close-knit communities of friends and loved ones. High and welcome to Beyond Pronatalsim, Parker. I'm so excited to have you here.
Parker (01:37):
Well, thank you for having me on. I'm very excited to be here today.
Nandita Bajaj (01:40):
I was so thrilled to recently meet you at an event, the World Vasectomy Day event where we were talking about whether we should be worried about falling birth rates, which is a topic that has become really pervasive in culture. And you were one of the panelists, and I was so inspired by your story. We could only hear a few bits during that short presentation, but today we get a chance to fully explore your own decision. So to start off, could you do a brief introduction for our listeners?
Parker (02:16):
All right, well, my name is Parker. I'm 22 years old and I'm currently a medical student in Florida. I am the youngest of four siblings, first to go to university. And so academics have always been a huge part of my life and something I really fought hard to protect, which played into my decisions. And kind of the reason I'm here today is that I got a vasectomy at 18 years old, which I'm aware is a kind of monumental decision to make at that age and quite stunning to many people. And part of that is my academic journey. I was part of an accelerated pre-med seven year BSMD program, and so there's really little room for error. And then that combined with my strong desire to not have children kind of worked towards that decision. And I'll elaborate upon that throughout this talk I'm sure. But that's me and very excited to be here today.
Nandita Bajaj (03:00):
Wonderful. And yes, indeed, your story about getting a vasectomy at the age of 18 is at the center of this discussion, which I think is one of the most inspiring stories. And as we go toward the many experiences leading up to that decision to get a vasectomy, I'd love to start by first asking you to share a bit about your upbringing and what were the kinds of messages that you were receiving around pronatalism, this expectation that there are certain milestones that you have to reach once you become an adult, including marriage, children, et cetera?
Parker (03:43):
Yeah, I think I am really blessed in that within my family, my parents alone, they were always super supportive of me doing whatever I wanted to do about children - have them, don't have them, but in the greater scheme of things, life, school, family, friends, whatever. Growing up I was always told, oh, you'll make a great father. I can't wait to see your kids, or our kids can be best friends because it really is considered the default. And I don't know globally what the perspective is, but definitely in the States, no matter where you go, it is the norm that you'll have kids. Nobody bats an eye when you do have children, but the second you say you don't want to have children, people really call it into question. And I was called selfish for wanting to not have kids. And I think that really is a crazy, crazy narrative that that is the default with where we're at in life. So before the vasectomy even that expectation lies on everyone, especially men because it's so tied to your masculinity I think is the best way to put it, is having children. And that's just part of growing up and I clearly didn't necessarily agree with that. And that's where we are now. And I think with where the world is headed with population, I fully support everything I did and I wouldn't regret any of it.
Nandita Bajaj (04:51):
That's so great. Specifically for men, I like that you brought up this notion of masculinity and how much it's tied to the sense of virility and have you passed down your legacy and your name. When was it that you really started questioning the notion of parenthood as your biological destiny? And in reading your background, you said this is not something that you just arrived at when you were 18, something you'd been thinking about. Can you walk us through that thinking process and what were the events in your life that led up to that decision?
Parker (05:29):
Yeah, so growing up I kind of always had an idea that I didn't want children. And the problem that you always run into is, well, you can change your mind, you will change your mind. You'll meet the woman of your dream and she's going to want to have kids. And if you have a vasectomy, it's over. I ran into that thinking really all the time. But personally for me, what drove me to get the vasectomy is that desire to not have children. And then also a huge part of me that if that desire ever did change and I did want children, I would always adopt. I don't see why I need to biologically bring another child into this world when I could give a child that didn't have a chance, a fair shot at life, I could give that child a chance. So I don't understand why adoption is kind of considered just a backup plan, I guess, if you can't have kids yourself when I think it should be a lot more accepted. I think adoption is a beautiful process to be able to give someone that fair shot at life. And more playing into it is you have contraception available and that's always a thing.
(06:28):
Even talking with Dr. Stein and Dr. Curington before they decided to do my vasectomy, which was a long process in itself, a lot of talks with them to consider them to even change their policy. I had this accelerated pre-med track in college and now med school and there really is so little room for error. And I've had mix ups with contraception, whether it's condoms breaking or even partners kind of misinforming me about their contraceptive use. And you have slip ups like that, and it really can be scary. I think when you're getting a vasectomy, everyone talks about regret. Will you regret it? That's a key thing. As a doctor, you do want to do what's best for the patient and inthe world of vasectomy, that's a very fair point. Nobody talks about the regret of having a child that you don't want through an unwanted pregnancy. That can derail your life.
(07:13):
An unwanted child is more permanent than a vasectomy, even. So when you have these mix-ups with contraception that could potentially derail my career, where my family is relying on me to succeed, the choice became really obvious for me. And especially having the ability to freeze sperm ahead of time so that I don't lose the option to have children, should I change my mind in the future If I did meet that woman of my dreams and she really wanted biological children of her own, which that would be a long talk beforehand anyway, I still am a huge proponent for adoption, but I think you have that reproductive insurance, and so the choice is just mine. I can have kids if I want, but not if I don't. And I have that protection and the amount of anxiety that's kind of lifted off of me and my partner right now is huge, just not having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy. And then it also takes the burden of contraception off of the woman, which is another very pervasive idea around contraception, is that the burden always lies on the woman, whether that is fair or not and the hormonal changes that can come with that, or even just not wanting to take birth control, which is a very reasonable thing. I kind of just shifted it back onto myself. It's a very minimally invasive procedure. It was super easy. And here we are.
Nandita Bajaj (08:28):
So many fascinating threads in there starting with you knowing at a young age that you didn't want children and you're so right that as soon as we make a claim that we don't want to have children, we get all sorts of interrogations about our decision, correctives that, oh, you'll change your mind. What if you regret? And like you said, the question about having children is not even on the table. Why do you want to have children? It's the biggest decision you'll ever make in your life. And what did the years of exploration leading up to that look like? You said you spoke to a number of people. Can you walk me through that process?
Parker (09:15):
Yeah. I was very open with my family from the get go and bless them I had that support, because I think many people tell their parents they don't want to have kids and their parents shoot them down and they say, I want grandchildren, you will have kids. And I didn't encounter that, which I really do count my blessings every day for that support. I think that familial pressure can be so strong. So just to find a provider that would do the vasectomy, let alone my rationale for getting the vasectomy, it really was an extensive search. A lot of providers have a policy in place where they won't do it to someone, the standard is under 25 years old without kids. And so Dr. Stein, that was actually his policy. And Dr. Stein is one of probably the most prolific vasectomy providers in the world, let alone globally his efforts to kind of promote vasectomy. But that was his practice of policy.
Nandita Bajaj (10:04):
Can you specify exactly the policy again for me? It's a little bit shocking what you just said, but I want you to repeat it.
Parker (10:11):
I will say it is subjective. It is up to the physician, but the standard that I've kind of seen and what Dr. Stein's policy was is they will not do vasectomies under 25 years old if you do not have children. And Dr. Stein I will add is already a more liberal vasectomist. So for that to be his policy is really going to be probably on the lower end that you'll see nationwide. It's a huge, huge thing. But I kind of tried to sneak by, I called him and got rejected. So I submitted an online request to do a vasectomy anyway, just to see what would happen. And then I get a call a week later from Dr. Curington who was the other provider in his practice, and he explained to me their policy that they won't do it and why, but he asked as he seemed like he wanted to get out of there, he asked, let me hear your story.
(10:59):
And so I told him about my academic background, about my mishaps with contraception, about my strong desire to adopt. We had an amazing conversation and him listening to me, which is something that hadn't happened before, and I called many offices across Florida to try to make this happen. And it was just such a validating moment to be able to explain to someone. And by the end of it, even though that was their policy, he told me that he would talk to this international group of vasectomy providers that Dr. Stein started. And so he contacted them and they got back to me later, like let's talk further. And so we did. And they said that they eventually agreed to do my vasectomy if I froze sperm so that I had that insurance. And then Dr. Stein did it, and the rest is history. And now I'm actually part of that group that Dr. Curington asked.
(11:44):
I was able to go back into the, it was a Gmail group and find the email thread that they were talking about me. And it was so enlightening to see perspectives from across the world, physicians in South America, Europe, Asia, across the States about doing a vasectomy on an 18-year-old with no children. It was just so cool to see where how you grow up obviously affects their beliefs that there's definitely regional biases in terms of who says, yeah, I would do it without hesitation. He's 18 years old, he's an adult, and then some providers are saying, he will regret this, do not do it. And that was actually one of the first responses was there is something missing from his story, find out what it is. I'm like being able to go back and read that. No, I just wanted the vasectomy, but it was really funny to have all the knowledge that I have, because I'm the one that they're talking about. Honestly, I feel like it could be published, how many different perspectives there were and the incredible ethical and philosophical debates that were brought up.
Nandita Bajaj (12:43):
I just think it's amazing that you were the subject of analysis for vasectomy providers around the world as a case study and people wanting to go as far as finding out, well, what are you hiding? Because you obviously can't be in your right mind at that young of an age to know what you want. Meanwhile, people who go on to have children as teenagers, often through forced pregnancy, often through unintended pregnancy, we don't ask people who are really young when they are embarking on a pregnancy and parenthood to see are they in their right mind to be making a decision that is so much more consequential than not having the child. I mean, talk about pronatalism, right?
Parker (13:32):
Yes. I don't know why we feel this need to continue to bring more and more people into the world when we can't care for what we have already and that you keep talking about the pronatalist perspective and it's very puzzling to me. I don't know who perpetuates it. I don't know why it's still so pervasive in culture. I really do want to change that narrative and care for what we already have rather than feeding into the system and having children because that's what's the default.
Nandita Bajaj (13:58):
And you've spoken a few times today about the notion of regret. It's been about four years since you've had your vasectomy. Can you speak about the question of regret?
Parker (14:11):
That's one of the hardest topics to tackle when you're talking about providing a vasectomy to a young patient because the regret makes sense that across a lifetime, your mindset, your perspective may change if you're getting vasectomy at 18 years old. So the idea of the potential regret I think is a valid point. It is something that can be addressed. But again, I think Dr. Patricia Chico made a phenomenal point in that kind of long discussion with Dr. Stein. She said, clinicians worry about regret when someone wants sterilization, but not about the regret of an undesired pregnancy. Regret isn't only tied to sterilization, you can regret not getting one too. And then further, that regret can happen at any age. An 18-year-old can regret it. A 42-year-old could regret it. There's nothing saying that that regret is limited If you get it under 25, that's the only time.
(14:58):
And then there's another doctor that actually surveyed 200 men that were childless and had them rate their regret, and the average was super low from one to five, with five being total regret. The average was a 1.5, and this is with childless men, so vasectomy and childless men. So the regret rate is super low. They said they followed up at six years, only 7% had even started to look into reversal or IVF and only two underwent a reversal. So you're looking at 1%, which is below the actual normal vasectomy reversal rate. But in terms of that regret, I think Dr. Stein's approach to providing my vasectomy was nearly flawless where you freeze sperm. It was noninvasive for me and it was a much easier process than I expected, actually freezing sperm. And I think that gives you total autonomy. Now, I don't have to worry about an undesired pregnancy. I don't want children at all, but if that desire ever did change and throw everything I said out the window in this podcast, if I decided I wanted the child of my own, I have eight vials of sperm stored.
(15:59):
That gives me a very, very good shot of having a child of my own and multiple children. And the only drawback that I would say is that artificial pregnancy methodologies, they're not completely noninvasive for the woman. So that is a very fair critique. It is not a hundred percent perfect solution. But I think if we're talking about methods of contraception versus artificial pregnancy and the unlikely scenario my mind ever changed, you're talking about years of possible hormonal birth control, perhaps failed condom usage, whatever it may be, or maybe a couple weeks of more invasive things to have a child. So when you're looking at regret, I think Dr. Stein took a great approach to minimize that regret should anything about my perspective ever change. So huge props to Dr. Stein for thinking about and innovating that as a potential pathway towards vasectomy at a young age.
Nandita Bajaj (16:50):
That is such a great way of doing it, I think. And the thing I'm appreciating so much about your wanting to take the reproductive burden off of potential partners is also this built-in responsibility that if there was an unplanned pregnancy and childbirth you would go through with being a supportive partner and supporting the child that was brought into this world, I think also just shows the full arc of your thinking in wanting to take responsibility no matter what happens, and then making sure that one of those things doesn't happen.
Parker (17:29):
That's exactly it, is that if a pregnancy ever happened, God forbid, now with vasectomy, not necessarily a possibility, but I would take responsibility in that scenario for better or worse. I don't want to be an absent father at that point, but that's why my whole perspective was just mitigating that risk before it even happened, trying to be proactive. And that's how the vasectomy happened.
Nandita Bajaj (17:50):
And now that you are over three years removed from that procedure, tell me what life looks like for you today.
Parker (17:59):
Yeah, so my current partner we're both super appreciative about the vasectomy because she actually can't be on hormonal birth control, because she's at a higher risk of blood clots. So birth control isn't even an option there. But we both had super intense anxiety about the idea of pregnancy. So getting the vasectomy was kind of a way to mitigate her risk on birth control and just completely eliminate that and then also eliminate the anxiety and risk about pregnancy. So both just so much happier for the fact that we don't have to worry about that and we can have a healthy sexual life. And I hear from friends that there are a decent amount of people that want a partner with a vasectomy even at a young age I think because it eliminates that risk. I think it is a growing idea in my generation of wanting to be childless. I think that idea and perspective will only continue to grow and rightfully so, I support it. I think everybody should have that autonomy, shouldn't be pressured into making that decision on their own, but really just not having to worry about contraception failing, whether that is birth control, whether that's condoms has taken such a burden off of me and my partner that we're just so much happier.
Nandita Bajaj (19:06):
Another thing that made me so curious about your story was how you mentioned that you were a lot more public about your decision to have a vasectomy and about reproductive responsibility, but then within your med school environment, you had to be a little more guarded. Can you speak to that? What is the body of students like within your school and what are the kinds of things that you were trying to guard against when you were not being so open?
Parker (19:38):
So as an undergrad, as a pre-med, I think because the community, the campus is so much larger, the student body is so much larger, you have a lot more freedom to choose your group, essentially the people you spend your time with. And having that freedom, I think I just naturally was with people that would be more supportive of my decision. So I was very open about my vasectomy and I was met with a lot of support about it. When you get to med school, the class size, the student body shrinks dramatically. It went from thousands of people I could choose to associate with to 130 that I will associate with. And I love my classmates, no doubt about it, but there's a much more politically conservative tilt and not diving into politics, but conservatism tends to be associated with religion. And I don't know which, if it's the political leanings, if it's the religious leanings, but there's a lot more pushback on getting a vasectomy when you start interacting with people that are more religious, are more conservative.
(20:36):
So as a medical student, I learned to maintain the support of my class. I'm class president, so I have to stay on everyone's good side. So I found the best way to do that was frankly, to go from being super open about my vasectomy, to really almost secretive about it. Even my close friends didn't know about it until recently. It's still met with a lot of surprise when I do open up about it. But throughout my life even in sharing my story, consistently met with more pushback. And I'm called selfish, immature. I've heard it all at this point, but you hear it a lot more from the conservative side or the religious people, I think. And again, not saying anything is right or wrong, but I think it has a huge bearing on your perspective on vasectomy. So for better or for worse, I definitely kind of sheltered a little more about it.
(21:24):
I'm not as open about it. And then even with doctors, at least in Florida, are overwhelmingly conservative and they decide my grade, so I'm definitely going to be a little more sheltered about it just to not cause an uproar. I put it on my medical records when they asked, oh, have you had any procedures done since you were last here? And I told 'em I got a vasectomy. And now every time I go to see a provider through the school, everybody asks about it and they want to know about it. And every single time they asked to hear my story and sometimes they start the screening for abuse or if I had gotten manipulated into doing it. And so that's happened a couple of times, which is it's good that they're aware about that, but I think that just kind of goes to show how novel it is and how the world views it, I guess, where it's assumed kind of automatically sometimes that, oh, you were young when you got it. It has to be abuse. So I think that's just an interesting tidbit that maybe people wouldn't think about.
Nandita Bajaj (22:25):
That's a really fascinating thread. I'm glad I asked that question. And do you think the conservatism within the med school environment that you're in, is it because it's in Florida or do you think much more widespread within the medical student body?
Parker (22:41):
That's a good question. I think being in Florida definitely has something to do with it. We have a definite political leaning here now, but then medicine in general, I think when you look at trends, a lot of doctors tend to lean more conservative in the first place. I guess we'll see if there's a change coming with my generation, but that is definitely where it stands for now. But I don't know, maybe med schools in the north have more of a liberal plant.
Nandita Bajaj (23:06):
Yeah, your point about conservatism within the medical field is something that I've noticed too in my own study of pronatlaism within medical institutions. I think the interrogation around sterilization and abortion is a lot stronger than the interrogation around early pregnancy or unintended pregnancy. It's kind of just taken for granted that it's probably a good thing in many cases, especially in conservative environments. And I just think that only perpetuates this tendency of seeing biological parenthood as the default and any other choice as questionable.
Parker (23:49):
I had actually never thought about it, but you're right, that kind of across the board, everything tied to natural conception and childbirth is never scrutinized even if there's reason for scrutiny. But anything outside of that, like you mentioned, abortion, sterilization, whatever it may be, is always met with rather intense scrutiny. I would say in a lot of cases, it's like the burden of proof essentially lies on the abortion or the sterilization, even if that's not always justified. It's interesting. I'll have to think about that more honestly, maybe hope to be the change in medicine where maybe that isn't always met with scrutiny.
Nandita Bajaj (24:21):
I really hope so too. And yeah, there are a number of OBGYNs and reproductive healthcare providers who are challenging pronatalism, and I can connect you with them. But yeah, this has been an absolutely enlightening and inspiring conversation. I think you're already a role model to so many people and on a pathway to have a much larger impact than you might even know. I'm so glad that you joined me today, and I am so excited to follow your journey and see what you get up to in your medical career and in your advocacy work. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your courage.
Parker (25:02):
Well, thank you so much for having me on. I really learned so much from this, and even pronatalism as a term is something I hadn't known before and that I'm definitely going to look into more now and will probably guide parts of my career to be frank. So this was enlightening for me, and I hope everybody learned something from this. I am really excited to kind of use this as a base point and see how things change over the next decade, two decades, or whatever it may be. So thank you again for having me. I really did learn so much, and I'm excited to see how this ages over the next couple of decades.
Nandita Bajaj (25:35):
My absolute pleasure, Parker. Thank you so much. That's all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Do you have your own story you'd like to share? Check out the show notes to see how you can get in touch with me. Whether you'd like to share feedback about the show or a particular episode, or whether you'd like to join me on the show to share your own story, I'd love to hear from you. Thank you so much again for joining me today, as we collectively discover and celebrate the many different pathways to fulfillment beyond pronatalism. Beyond Pronatalism is brought to you by Population Balance, the only nonprofit organization advancing ecological and reproductive justice by confronting pronatalism. This podcast is produced and hosted by me, Nandita Bajaj, with the support of my production team, Josh Wild and Alan Ware.