Mandy, a Singaporean teacher of Indian descent, entered an arranged marriage where her decision to remain childfree was first accepted but later challenged by her Indian husband and in-laws. Pressured to have children and provide a dowry, she risked the stigma of divorce rather than compromise her values. Today, Mandy lives happily childfree, courageously embracing a life true to her authentic self.

Mandy (00:00):
Being divorced is such a stigma and a taboo in South Asian cultures. So for them, they felt like they could talk me into it and use the divorce as blackmail. I held my own and I said, if you guys want me to change my mind about having a child, as in you want me to have a child, it's going to be a deal breaker. If the marriage has to end, I'm okay to let it go because I don't want to become a mother.
Nandita Bajaj (00:38):
That was today's guest, Mandy. Hi everyone, and thank you for joining me. My name is Nandita Bajaj and I'm the host of Beyond Pronatalism, Finding Fulfillment With or Without Kids, an interview series in which, through intimate conversations with women and men from diverse backgrounds, I explore how they are courageously and creatively navigating pronatalism - the often unspoken pressures to have children, whether from family, friends, or the culture at large. In each episode, I dive into personal stories with people who are forging unconventional pathways to fulfillment, including redefining what family means to them, whether that means being childfree or childless, having biological kids, adopting or fostering children or animals, or creating close-knit communities of friends and loved ones. Hi Mandy, and welcome to Beyond Pronatalism. It's wonderful to have you here.
Mandy (01:34):
Thanks for having me on the show. I am really looking forward to share more about myself and my life story and the trajectory that I've been through with our fellow like-minded people.
Nandita Bajaj (01:44):
Yes, likewise. I was so pleased to read your story. It's one that's very relatable to a lot of people who are coming from traditional backgrounds, and I'm looking forward to learning more about your story today. So Mandy, why don't we start with hearing a little bit about your background. Where do you live? What do you do?
Mandy (02:05):
So my name is Mandy Mercy GK and I'm a Singaporean. I'm childfree by choice. I'm a teacher and my way of giving back to society is through my vocation, my chosen calling, which is through teaching, my teaching career and writing books and YouTube channel that I have. But sometimes it may fall short of what society expects me to do, which is become a mother, get married, and have children. So I want to redefine that womanhood is not always equals to motherhood, and I want to remind fellow childfree women and men out there who are thinking of considering a similar pathway for themselves.
Nandita Bajaj (02:49):
How common is it for people living in Singapore to be childfree by choice, especially South Asians?
Mandy (02:56):
Singaporeans in general are very open to the idea of being childfree by choice. They openly discuss it on platforms and in social circles. When I first entered uni many years ago, I actually chanced upon some of my peers and some of our lecturers who brought up this point about being childfree by choice, and that was when I even realized that having children is an optional thing to do. It's not mandatory, a compulsory thing. My parents were expats. They migrated to Singapore in the early 1990s. They specifically moved from a city called Bangalore that's in South India. So I was five around that time. So ever since I've grown up in Singapore, I studied here, I schooled here, but my parents, since they were first generation immigrants, they were very traditional mindset. They had this belief that their daughters should opt for arranged marriages and that they should not be allowed to date.
(03:59):
So my upbringing, to answer the question, was very strict and traditional kind of familial upbringing, but I was never one to give in to that. I always believed that there was something more, but the more I saw them fall prey to this compulsory motherhood, compulsory fatherhood, and I saw how much they had to sacrifice for raising my sister and me. So all the more I felt that there must be something more to life than this, that you don't have to lay down your life to raise the next generation. The way I saw it, I thought breaking free from the familial upbringing, the traditional upbringing, because I felt that you don't feel fulfilled just because you're making a service by raising a child to the larger community, but it doesn't serve you any benefit whatsoever. I studied at the local uni in Singapore and US and while studying that, I majored in sociology.
(04:56):
So we had to take different modules that were debunking or demystifying social institutions like family, gender and religion and so on and so forth. The more I got exposed to these kinds of sociological ways of thinking, the more I started questioning whether this compulsory parenthood, is it a social construct? Is it a cultural expectation or is it something that is an innate biological urge? So I think it may differ from person to person, but as far as I'm concerned, I never felt the urge to have a child. So when I was exposed to all these alternative ways of thinking, I started questioning is there really religion? Is there God? Is there compulsory gender stereotypes that we have in society? And I started realizing that you don't necessarily have to go through the rites of passage as a woman to feel fulfilled. When I was in primary school itself, I kind of knew I never had the motherly feelings and I would tell my mom, my dad, I tried telling them when I was way younger, even before uni days, what if I skip having children?
(06:12):
What if I skip getting married and whatnot? And then they used to tell me, just have one. Their idea is what would society say? Especially in some South Asian cultures, if a woman is not having children, they would accuse her of being barren, just not being a lady. These kinds of negative stereotypes will come to the surface, but I said, I don't care. Are they going to pay my bills? Why should I be afraid of being who I am? Why should I be afraid to show the real me, the real Mandy? Because who are they to judge? If we go to a restaurant, there's so many dishes to order from. If you go to a clothing shop, there's so many clothes to choose from, and if you go to uni, there's so many subjects to major from and so on and so forth. But only when it comes to marriage and having kids, everybody should follow the same stereotype. So I told them, no, I'm doing my own way.
Nandita Bajaj (07:05):
And how would they respond to that?
Mandy (07:09):
Usually it didn't go well until more recently. And then they became a bit more modernized after having witnessed how society people are changing around them in Singapore. But initially they were against it. They would try to persuade me, try to convince me to have a child, pick up cooking, just the stereotypical womenly duties, wifely duties, motherly duties. They tried to socialize me to all this and try to make me pick up these skills that were kind of required in the domestic sphere.
Nandita Bajaj (07:41):
And it sounded like from what you shared with me in the story, in the summary, that they did manage to convince you to pursue a traditional path. Tell us more about how that came about.
Mandy (07:56):
So I was, I think straight out of uni, I had just done my undergrad and I had gone for teachers training and soon after that they said, you are reaching a certain age. I was about 24, 25 then. So they said, we have to look for an alliance for you, so let me match-make you with some of these guys. You look at this picture, that picture or this uncle's son or this auntie's son. And I was curious to be honest. I was quite curious because I'd never been allowed to date, literally didn't know what was in store for me? So I said, okay, fine, let me give it a try. What harm does it hold? I didn't know that the expectations would be vastly different. Me living in Singapore, having been raised in Singapore and the boy's side having come from a vastly different Indian background.
(08:45):
So I said, okay, we can arrange to meet and discuss things. But the first thing, I have a few conditions. The first meet itself, I'll tell him, which was through a phone conversation, even before we met face-to-face, I told him the first thing, even before we talk about anything else, I don't want to have children. If you are okay with it, we can consider further. And I mean, I don't blame him, but deep inside his mind he thought he could change my mind. So he said, yes, yes, yes. I also have similar ideas as you. I always questioned why people should have children, blah, blah, blah. I was convinced. I thought I met my soul mate. So I was gullible and very impressionable. So I believe everything that I was told and I even spoke to my would be Indian mother-in-law and she also sang the same tune.
(09:33):
So I was very convinced we met face to face in India. It was in Bangalore, in Chennai, and then soon afterwards the marriage date was fixed and we had a traditional wedding. So at that point in time, I didn't suspect anything, to be honest. All of our other values, I had been very upfront that I don't believe much in tradition, culture, I don't believe in God. I just believe in being a good person, that's all. So I went over for a brief period of time. I was staying with my in-laws while he was away in different parts of India, working on onsite and all that. So while I was there, I felt a lot of pressure from both my in-laws and my sister-In-law especially. There was a lot of like trying to put pressure on someone to make them just comply because they've already been married into your family.
(10:26):
If they were not to comply, then it would end in a divorce. And being divorced is such a stigma and a taboo in South Asian cultures. So for them, they felt like they could talk me into it and use the divorce as blackmail. I had my own and I said, if you guys want me to change my mind about having a child, as in you want me to have a child, it's going to be a deal breaker. If the marriage has to end, I'm okay to let it go because I don't want to become a mother. When I told them that, they were very shocked. And then we were in India. We had planned a holiday to Singapore to my parents' house. So he and I, we visited my parents and then he said, I will come back to get you after a few months. He went back and then started calling my dad separately without my knowledge and started demanding for dowry, for all the sacrifices he has made, quote unquote sacrifices.
(11:28):
So I felt a sense of outrage on my dad's part. Why does he have to contribute for the so-called sacrifices that my husband has made? I made it clear from day one. And then one fine day I just picked up the phone. I don't know from where I got the strength, I think it's been boiling up inside of me, all the pent up emotions and all that. And I asked him, did you ask money from my dad? And he was like, yes. You see, I buy you all these things. I didn't know you were so stubborn. I thought I could change your mind. You will eventually change your mind. All my friends have received dowry and this is a normal tradition. I said, you have picked the wrong person. I think you don't know about me. I'm a hardcore feminist and I'm against all this dowry giving and dowry taking.
(12:14):
So let me make it clear to you. We are not going to give you any dowry and in case you're married me for money and all that please forget the idea. He was just so shocked. He was dumbfounded for a few seconds. Then he said, no, no, no. My mom is saying for my own good. She's asking me to ask dowry, demand dowry. I think it's the rightful thing to do. They said, do you think we are so foolish it's not going to happen. And then soon afterwards they send a divorce notice. I happily signed it. This is not the way relationships should be. Yeah, I always saw in movies and I've heard of dowry giving and dowry taking happening outside of the family, but I never thought it would happen in my life, but never mind, at least I'm happier now. All my money goes to myself and my parents because they raised me right? Obviously I need to do my part. My wedding was it cost an arm and the leg. I told myself, even if I can't pay them fully, I will do my best to see what small ways I can repay them because now I'm still living under them. I'm still living with my parents under one roof. So whatever small ways I can contribute financially, I'm just doing right now.
Nandita Bajaj (13:18):
And when that happened, how did your parents respond?
Mandy (13:23):
My dad took it all in a stride because he's very practical and pragmatic, but my mom being the traditional woman that she is, she was totally overcome with emotion. She called up all our extended family members, all the siblings of hers, and started wailing and saying, oh, my daughter doesn't know how to cook. She's returned home. My daughter doesn't want to have children, that she's returned home. After many years she slowly came to terms with it and now she feels that what has happened is the right thing to have happened.
Nandita Bajaj (13:54):
Well, I'm glad that they've both come around. Tell me a bit more about how the extended family and community members within the South Asian community in Singapore, because I know what a big deal it is to be divorced within our community, what kind of response did you get from them?
Mandy (14:13):
Oh, okay. They're quite varied depending on where they were living because some of my dad's former colleagues, they were very happy. They had heard from my dad first and the kind of blackmails and negotiations that had been going on in terms of the dowry. So they're very happy that I was finally freed from this kind of exploitative relationship. But some of them were men and they spoke up for me and they said, oh, so what if she doesn't know how to cook? She doesn't want to have children. So it's all the more good for her, let her pursue her own passions and interests. But some of them from my extended family members living in India, especially like South Indian communities, they had commented to my dad and my mom was saying that, oh, what a waste, what a pity, or what a shame your daughter has gotten divorced. If only you had raised her right, if only you had taught her the right values, the right mentality, if only you had taught her from a young age how to cook and clean.
(15:13):
If only you had taught her the importance of having children and raising the family line, she would be happy and blissfully married right now, that she had missed out on the wonderful golden opportunity. They said these kinds of things. I was like, I would've been a slave to someone. Would I been mopping the floor and cooking dishes for them and at the end of the day, what would I get? I would just not get anything financially. I would be bound to them emotionally. I would be bound to them. There's so many sacrifices I have to do, and at the end of the day, just to be just another homemaker, just another typical woman, stereotypical Indian woman. So I don't want that. I just, whatever happens, good or bad, let it fall on me. So that's what I said, and I'm glad that things have turned out this way.
Nandita Bajaj (15:59):
Yeah. And I find it interesting that some of these people were putting the blame of your quote unquote failure on your parents and how they raised you. And this is why the stigma around divorce in so many cultures, but especially traditional cultures is so strong because it's not just the person that's getting divorced. It's as if the entire family has to bear the burden of divorce. Your parents basically bear the full responsibility of who you end up becoming. So good for you for sticking to your values. It takes a lot of courage. And post-divorce now you've had 10 years of managing to enjoy your childfree life. Tell me more about what the post-divorce life has been like for you.
Mandy (16:54):
Oh, it has been wonderful. I'm very happy because I'm living life on my own terms, financially, emotionally. I'm independent and I've gotten my own place. And my sister is married, she has two kids. I'm very close to my nephews and we share a wonderful bond. So another stereotype is that many people would assume that childfree people are averse to children, but that may not necessarily be true for every childfree person. There may be some childfree people who may be averse to children, but not all of us are like that. I'm very glad that each experience, whether good or bad, including the divorce, has taught me something. It's very hard to find someone as a childfree by choice person as an Indian woman. So I would say I'll just focus on my career, focus on being happy, focus on living every day, every single day with gratitude and mindfulness and giving a shout out to fellow childfree men and women. Be true to yourself. Be authentically and unafraid to be yourself because you'll find happiness somewhere down the road if you're true to yourself. You don't have to pander or cater to what society tells you to do, which is have a child and become a mother or father, because that's the societal script, right? It's compulsory for everybody, but as long as you remain true to yourself, you'll find happiness one fine day. You don't have to cave in to the pressure.
Nandita Bajaj (18:23):
Very good message. Mandy, thank you so much for joining me today and sharing your very important story. It was a pleasure learning about how much courage you have shown to stand up for your own values.
Mandy (18:38):
Thank you. Thank you.
Nandita Bajaj (18:39):
That's all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Do you have your own story you'd like to share? Check out the show notes to see how you can get in touch with me. Whether you'd like to share feedback about the show or a particular episode, or whether you'd like to join me on the show to share your own story, I'd love to hear from you. Thank you so much again for joining me today as we collectively discover and celebrate the many different pathways to fulfillment beyond pronatalism. Beyond Pronatalism is brought to you by Population Balance, the only nonprofit organization advancing ecological and reproductive justice by confronting pronatalism. This podcast is produced and hosted by me, Nandita Bajaj, with the support of my production team, Josh Wild and Alan Ware.