Erich | How Raising Siblings Ended the Desire to Parent

VasectomyChildfreeSingle

Jun 9

Written By Population Balance

As the oldest child, Erich spent much of his youth caring for younger siblings and cousins, and that experience squashed any 'parental instinct' he might have had. Repeatedly denied a vasectomy as a young adult, he endured years of frustration and several pregnancy scares before finally receiving the procedure that brought him lasting peace of mind. By his mid-thirties, Erich concluded that he preferred to remain single, and today he enjoys the freedom to travel the world for work and pleasure, building friendships and community along the way.

Erich (00:00):
I'm the oldest of four boys and I found myself in the role of a surrogate parent. My baby brother is 14 years younger than I am and there were a couple of cousins after him that I ended up babysitting too. And so by the time I was 15, I had done all the dirty work of parenting and whatever paternal instincts I had, they just kind of fizzled never to be seen again, right up to this moment here and now.
Nandita Bajaj (00:43):
That was today's guest, Erich. Hi everyone and thank you for joining me. My name is Nandita Bajaj and I'm the host of Beyond Pronatalism: Finding Fulfillment With Or Without Kids, an interview series in which through intimate conversations with people from diverse backgrounds, I explore how they are courageously and creatively navigating pronatalism - the often unspoken pressures to have children, whether from family, friends, or the culture at large. Each episode features a personal story, born out of liberated and informed choice about redefining what family means, including being childfree or childless, having biological kids, adopting or fostering children or animals, or creating close-knit communities of friends and loved ones. Hello, Erich. Welcome to Beyond Pronatalism. Great to have you.
Erich (01:37):
Hello. Nice to be here.
Nandita Bajaj (01:39):
Yeah, it's wonderful that you wanted to share your story. I was inspired to hear a little bit about it and by way of introduction, I'd love to hear a little bit about yourself. Could you please briefly introduce yourself?
Erich (01:52):
My name is Erich. I'm in my 50s. I live in Province of Alberta. I'm single, childfree, and I have my career in place. I'm a business analyst and I love to travel. I travel light, usually just me. I live a minimal life so I can travel. When I lock the door behind me, I'll come back a week, a month later, and it's pretty much the way I left it and that's fine with me.
Nandita Bajaj (02:25):
Wonderful. Thank you for that, Erich. And you said you've chosen to be single and you're childfree. What were the kind of messages you were receiving in your childhood and your adulthood around what it means to be fulfilled and have a complete life compared to the life you've chosen?
Erich (02:46):
Well, I grew up in smaller areas for most of my childhood, white European Christian values, went through school, which may or may not include post-secondary. And you found a nice boy or nice girl as the case may be and you settled down to the white picket fence and got a job with a pension and a couple of kids. And it was all very scripted as if there was absolutely no other option out there. That's just what you did. It wasn't questioned. It wasn't up for debate. That's just how it was. I didn't have that mindset. I was always a very independent person. I wanted to come and go as I pleased and if somebody wanted to come along, that was great. But if not, well, that's fine too. I can be alone and not be lonely. I'm the oldest of four boys. So for a little while I was an only child.
(03:57):
It wasn't long enough. Then all these brothers kept coming along and I found myself in the role of a surrogate parent. My baby brother is 14 years younger than I am and there were a couple of cousins after him that I ended up babysitting too. And so in my mid-teens, about 15, whatever paternal instincts I had at that time that might have been nurtured and survived puberty, ages kind of went out the window and I lost any and all desire at that point to have any more kids. I had done all the dirty work of parenting. By the time I was 15, I had two younger teenage brothers that I didn't get along with that great at the time. And I saw what my parents had to go through with them and I thought, "This just doesn't sound like something I'm really interested in doing." And so like I said, whatever paternal instincts I had, they just kind of fizzled never to be seen again, right up to this moment here and now.
Nandita Bajaj (05:13):
Right. So by the time you were 15, you had already experienced a lot of parenthood jobs. And what part of your free time would you spend babysitting your younger siblings and your cousins?
Erich (05:31):
It was a matter of, okay, mom's going here or dad's going there and go here, get this, go here, get that and take your brother along with you. And when I wasn't in school, it seemed like my weekends and my evenings were somehow involved in looking after kids. And while my friends were going to movies, they were going to places and doing things I always had to bring along a brother or two brothers and I didn't feel like I got any break from them. And then you throw in homework from school and to try and go out with friends at some point or another was almost a bargaining exercise because while we want to go here and do that and this has to be done and who's going to look after your brothers, that type of thing. So it took on a disproportionate amount of my time in my mind at that time anyhow.
Nandita Bajaj (06:39):
And so you said any parental instinct you might've had was kind of zapped away. At what point did you realize that that was the case? Was it in your mid-teens or when you entered adulthood that you started thinking about it more seriously?
Erich (06:55):
It was in the back of my mind at 15. It was just kind of as solidified as it could be in a 15-year-old brain. When I was in university, I had a couple of relationships and the thought of having children with anybody was just absolutely horrifying. And I did have a couple of instances where it could have been a reality and that just petrified me to my very soul. If there was ever any doubt before, there certainly wasn't any doubt after. And so that was the end of that.
Nandita Bajaj (07:39):
And did you ever tell your potential partners about your desire to not want to be a parent?
Erich (07:46):
Oh, absolutely. A date with me was, Hi, there's not going to be any children. My name is Erich. Pretty much in that order. So I'm not wasting your time and you're not wasting mine. If the date continued or if there wasn't a second date, well, fine next, but I always was very upfront about that.
Nandita Bajaj (08:12):
And how did your dates respond to that?
Erich (08:15):
Back in that time, the option not to have children was only held by a very fringe group, a very small minority. And I don't know if women get a different set of pressures put on them, but you got to have a kid by the time you're 20 or 22 or 25 or a proverbial biological clock thing. And I would say probably the vast majority of them said on the initial date, Oh yeah, that's okay. I don't care. I don't want kids anyhow. But yeah, three or four dates later it became perfectly obvious that they were just selling me here and I'm not one to be sold. So that was kind of the end of that.
Nandita Bajaj (09:05):
Yeah, interesting. And were you pretty open with your parents about this?
Erich (09:11):
Yeah, I was. And I think even before I left to go to university, I said, Okay, you're going to have to find another babysitter now. I'm going. I'm done. If I get married, fine. If I don't, fine. I'm not having any kids. You've made me raise my kids already. So you can probably detect a little undertone of resentment to the enforced parenting that happened. I said, There is not going to be any. And I guess it would be probably about 10 years later when my younger brothers started getting into relationships and getting married and separated and divorced and having kids and whatnot. My mother came to me and she said, You know what? If you never have kids, it's okay. So that was kind of the end of that and it never came up in discussion again with them.
Nandita Bajaj (10:08):
Right. So it was in reference to what was happening with your brothers and the complicated lives that they were ending up with?
Erich (10:18):
Yes. And nothing was never straightforward. There was always some drama associated with them. They could never just do anything step by step. It was just always a convoluted mess.
Nandita Bajaj (10:33):
And so did your relationship ever change with her or your parents over time or that kind of resentment of enforced parenthood persist?
Erich (10:44):
I would have to say that I had a couple of episodes where I kind of vented my frustration a bit and they saw my point of view for the first time in their lives as parents because they were depression-era babies and very much firmly entrenched in the white picket fence and married kids' way of life. For me to come along, that just kind of totally blew their minds and it took them a couple of decades to fully comprehend this child that they had produced who wasn't following their set of rules and conforming to their norms as to how life should be lived. And it wasn't until they saw how I came out of life relatively unscathed versus my brothers that they saw a different picture and they were very, very happy that things had turned out like that for me and much to my brothers chagrin.
(11:58):
My mother always said that the one of my sons that should have been a father isn't. So my brothers didn't like me for a little while after that, but I managed to cope.
Nandita Bajaj (12:12):
So interesting. So did your siblings continue to hold resentment towards you for the choices you made versus the ones they made?
Erich (12:20):
I think they resented the choices they made. They had the benefit of knowing the results of my choices and yet they went ahead and made their choices. It was all just a bunch of knee-jerk reactions, no thoughtful consideration if I do this, if I don't do this, that type of thing. They had lots of other examples to learn from. I mean, you've got all of society to learn from, not just my immediate family, not just my extended family, but you've got all of civilization for goodness sake to learn from. So you made those choices and I'll send you a postcard from Mexico. Sorry. I mean, what would you want me to do about it?
Nandita Bajaj (13:10):
Yes. So Erich, you also wrote that you also got a vasectomy to ensure that you didn't accidentally become a parent. And you talked a bit about these kind of false alarms that occurred during your dating years. Can you share a bit more about your vasectomy experience? How old were you and what kind of response did you get when you decided you wanted to get a vasectomy?
Erich (13:38):
When I first learned that such a thing existed, I was probably 15 or 16, and of course they're not going to do any surgery elective or otherwise on a minor without parental consent. So I knew I just had to bide my time on that one. I initially inquired when I was 18 and basically I was told, "Have a bunch of kids and come back when you're 35." Well, then I was finishing university and in spite of all precautions, I had had two near misses, false alarms. Well, I'm 22. I'm no longer a minor. I can drink in the States. Surely to goodness I can get a vasectomy. So I got to one doctor and he took one look at me at my age and no kids, get out of my office. And that's basically the extent of the visit. So I got referred to another doctor of similar age, probably old enough to be my grandfather at the time.
(14:42):
And same thing, very old school, You're too young, you're too stupid. What do you think you're doing? Get out of my office. So not one to be easily discouraged, got referred to a third doctor and thankfully not old enough to be my grandfather, but only about a dozen years or so older than me. And he himself had gotten a vasectomy when he was in medical school. So he had no problem whatsoever and he basically did it for me on the spot. I guess the best practices is that there's a 30-day cooling off period and whatnot. And he says, Now, you've been through two doctors already. You're not stupid. I've done it myself. Let's get her done. And so that was that. It took a huge weight off my shoulders. I could feel the world falling off my shoulders because the thought of an unplanned pregnancy was somebody I did not want to spend the rest of my life with and everything else that goes along with that was just not my idea of a fun time.
(15:51):
And like I said, in my dating life, hi, no kids, my name's Erich, and that was that, and there's no going back on that. So that's one of the more seminal moments in my adult life to get that done, a big turning point.
Nandita Bajaj (16:10):
Absolutely. And it's been now over two decades since you've had a vasectomy. What have the last few decades been like for you knowing that you cannot accidentally impregnate someone?
Erich (16:23):
It very severely narrowed the dating pool for probably about 10 years afterwards, but I was fine with that because I wasn't going to waste my time with anybody who wanted kids. I did not want them, can't have them and I have obviously different goals in life than you do. So it's been fun. Catch you later. From that point onward, the dating world kind of morphed into those who had already been in a marriage, separated, divorced, bad marriage, that type of thing and may have already had kids or in extreme cases the biological clock thing. I've got to have a kid next week or it's going to be too late and that's not happening here. You're looking at the wrong guy. So I guess I had a relationship when I was 36 that I caught her cheating on me. Apparently women can cheat too. It's not just men.
Nandita Bajaj (17:28):
Yes, I've heard.
Erich (17:30):
She cheated on me and kind of like when I was 15 and the paternal instincts disappeared. Well, at 36, the husband thing disappeared and I don't need a wife that badly. I've lived this long without one, I'm just going to go and live my life, whatever that might be. So I packed a suitcase and I went to Montreal for a month and hung out with cousins there and had a blast. And so that was kind of the start of my extensive traveling and have never regretted any of it.
Nandita Bajaj (18:06):
So interesting. And so was that the last relationship you were ever in?
Erich (18:11):
Yes, that's kind of what I would say. I still have female friends, but as far as husband, wife, serious, that type of thing, yeah, I basically haven't had one since that episode when I was 36.
Nandita Bajaj (18:30):
And so what has that been like being single and what has the response from society been like towards you when they find out the choices you've made?
Erich (18:41):
I'm okay with saying probably at my core, I'm single. I was an only child for a little while and I was quite happy with that. And I think that kind of got imprinted into my psyche relatively quickly. I'm not going to be in a relationship that is toxic or dysfunctional or just be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship to get pushy aunts and whatnot off my back. I'm not going to do that. Life's too short for that. It has been very, very helpful in weeding out the people that I want to have in my life and the people that I maybe don't want to have in my life or maybe just kind of push off to one side and have them in measured doses. The older I've gotten, the more people have looked at me like I'm some kind of psychotic serial killer in disguise questioning my sexual orientation and the whole bit and then there's those that are a little more thoughtful and well, you know what, maybe that's not such a bad idea.
(20:02):
And that's usually coming from somebody who's had a divorce, has had a kid that has been anything but a joy, has cost them nothing but grief and money. And I've had more than a few say, I think you're pretty smart. And there are more of those that are starting to surface.
Nandita Bajaj (20:24):
That makes a lot of sense. And so you said traveling is something that you love to do. Can you share a bit more about what that looks like and also generally what has your single and childfree life allowed you to do and where do you find the sense of community if you even crave that at all?
Erich (20:46):
Well, not having the expenses that come along with child rearing, that money went to other things and in my world it went to traveling. So I've been to North and South America, I've been to Europe, been to Asia. My community is the people that I meet while I'm traveling and I've kept in touch with people that I met 20 years ago in my home environment in work and family and whatnot. I think everybody's pretty much resigned themselves to the fact that I'm not getting married and I'm not having kids and I'm just who I am. And for some of them, it's taken decades long to wrap their brains around it, others secretly envious and my younger family members, some of them, Hey, next time you go somewhere, take me along. So that's my community.
Nandita Bajaj (21:42):
That's great. And people who don't have partners or don't have children often have this trope that they have to get around of who's going to take care of you or what is your legacy and all that stuff. There's a built-in assumption that just because you have kids, they're going to be there for you, but is this something that you think about? Do you plan ahead and how do you see your next few decades playing out?
Erich (22:11):
None of us has a crystal ball that's any better than anybody else's. The last relationship I had was with a palliative nurse and she saw people that in her opinion, nicest people, never had any visitors. She saw some of the most miserable people. Their children came around, but their conversations with the staff was, When is he going to die? Maybe they weren't such bad parents. Maybe they weren't such bad people. Maybe these kids were just ungrateful pieces of crap. There's no guarantees of anything. Death and taxes, as the saying goes, death and taxes. I would have had my younger brothers look after me at one time, not anymore. I would have had nieces and nephews look after me and that still might happen. I don't plan on having anybody look after me for the next 20 years, but I mean, that can change overnight and you work with the circumstances as they are at the time.
(23:21):
I've got my retirement savings, I've got my traveling budgeted, I've got my insurance policies and you do your due diligence and that's all you can do. There's no guarantee that your children are going to look after you. Heaven forbid, what if one of your children dies? What if one of your children is incapacitated, special needs? A cousin of mine had two of his sons die. One was killed in a car accident and one had juvenile leukemia. So how do you plan for that? And do you drive yourself crazy with what if scenarios? I would sooner have a cold drink on a beach under an umbrella than put myself through that.
Nandita Bajaj (24:06):
Yeah, so well said. I just like these things said out loud because there's so much noise in the other direction.
Erich (24:14):
Oh, so much noise. Absolutely.
Nandita Bajaj (24:17):
Well, Erich, thank you so much. This was a really wonderful conversation. I really enjoyed talking to you.
Erich (24:23):
Pleasure is mine. I'm glad I could help out and nice to have somebody of like mind.
Nandita Bajaj (24:28):
Absolutely. That's all for this edition of Beyond Pronatalism. To share feedback about the show or a particular episode or to share your own story on the podcast, please get in touch with me using the link in the show notes. If you enjoyed this podcast, please rate us on your favorite podcast platform and share it widely. We couldn't do this work without the support of listeners like you and hope that you will consider a one-time or a recurring donation. Thank you so much again for joining me today as we collectively discover and celebrate the many different pathways to fulfillment beyond pronatalism. This podcast is brought to you by Population Balance, the only nonprofit organization advancing the rights and wellbeing of people, animals, and the planet by confronting pronatalism and other harmful ideologies. This podcast is produced and hosted by me, Nandita Bajaj, with the support of my production team, Josh Wild and Alan Ware.