Bella | The Power, Freedom, and Joy of Single Life

SingleChildfree

Mar 31

Written By Population Balance

Raised in the dominant culture that equates fulfillment with marriage and children, social scientist and author of Single at Heart, Bella DePaulo, came to recognize that living single was her most authentic and joyful life path. Over decades of research, writing, teaching, and community organizing, she has challenged the harmful stereotypes and systemic biases faced by single people, while elevating the ‘single at heart’ values of solitude, friendship, and autonomy. Now in her 70s, Bella is fulfilling a lifelong dream of creating a foundation dedicated to empowering single people.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

Bella DePaulo

Bella DePaulo (00:00):
About being single, I thought I was so lucky because my mother never pressured me. And we spent a lot of time together and I thought she knew that I was really comfortable being single, that I'd found my place. And then in the last conversation I ever had with her alone, as she lay dying, she brought up my single life for the first time and she said, "I worry about you." I can't remember what I said, but I know I was just heartbroken because I thought she understood that I had found my best life, my most meaningful and fulfilling life.
Nandita Bajaj (01:03):
That was today's guest, Bella DePaolo. Hi everyone, and thank you for joining me. My name is Nandita Bajaj and I'm the host of Beyond Pronatalism: Finding Fulfillment With Or Without Kids, an interview series in which through intimate conversations with people from diverse backgrounds, I explore how they are courageously and creatively navigating pronatalism - the often unspoken pressures to have children, whether from family, friends, or the culture at large. Each episode features a personal story, born out of liberated and informed choice, about redefining what family means, including being childfree or childless, having biological kids, adopting or fostering children or animals, or creating close-knit communities of friends and loved ones. Hello, Bella, and welcome to Beyond Pronatalism. It is truly an honor to have you on the podcast.
Bella DePaulo (01:59):
Thank you so much for inviting me.
Nandita Bajaj (02:02):
Absolutely. And Bella, I normally ask people to introduce themselves on the podcast, but because you are a very special guest, I'd like to do the honors of introducing you. From acclaimed social scientist, Dr. Bella DePaolo, the leading expert on single life comes this groundbreaking, comprehensive, totally unapologetic case for single life, for the "single at heart." Depaulo finds single life is a joyful, meaningful, fulfilling, psychologically rich, and authentic life. The single at heart are flourishing because they are single, not in spite of being single. So Bella, congratulations on your paperback just being published.
Bella DePaulo (02:51):
Thank you. Thank you for that nice introduction.
Nandita Bajaj (02:54):
Absolutely. So I'm a big fan of your work and I'd love for your book to be a subject of today's discussion, but I'd also love to hear about your own personal life, which I know informs so much of your own research. So even though I've done a professional introduction, I would love for you to say a few things about yourself that describe who you are today.
Bella DePaulo (03:23):
Well, I'm 72, and I am living now in the beautiful, tiny little town of Summerland, California. I am one of four children that my parents had. My parents were married for 42 years, the only marriage for each of them. And I love to say that because sometimes people say, "Oh, you just want to be single because your parents got divorced or they were at each other's throats all the time." No, they loved each other. They had a nice marriage. And growing up, I had lots of little cousins and for all these different occasions like birthdays and we're Catholic, first holy communion and confirmation and holidays like Christmas, we would all get together, all the kids and we'd play together. And so it was a very child-oriented upbringing and I really enjoyed that. But I also really liked those rare times when nobody was in the house.
(04:38):
Everybody was out for some reason or another, and I had it all to myself. And I just loved that. I just liked having the time to myself. And it was rare because not only did we have all these cousins coming by, but it was the days of people just showing up at your door and coming in. It was much more informal. So my never having kids was never anti-kids or I can't stand being around kids or anything like that. It was just like, no, that's not for me. Now my work is all about rewriting what it can mean to be single. So pushing back on all the stereotypes that see single people as sad and lonely and always just wishing they were coupled and instead getting out there the way other people, people I call single at heart experience single life. And I think the subtitle of my single at heart book really captures that, which is the freedom, power, and heart-feeling joy of single life.
(05:52):
So I wrote that book. I've written some other books. I write academic articles and blog posts and I write for the media sometimes to get beyond academia. And my most recent thing is a friend of mine left me, much to my surprise, a very substantial amount of money in her will. And I am now creating a foundation for the empowerment of single people.
Nandita Bajaj (06:21):
Wow. What a beautiful gift, both ways.
Bella DePaulo (06:25):
Isn't that amazing?
Nandita Bajaj (06:27):
Bella, thank you for sharing that. In a pronatalist world where we often talk about legacy and family, it's so lovely to have what you had as a gift from your friend, and then for you to create a foundation in her honor.
Bella DePaulo (06:47):
And an amazing thing about it is that I've always wanted to do it, but never had the money. And I've been talking about this really for decades.
Nandita Bajaj (06:57):
That's beautiful. And you've shared a little bit about your upbringing and the busyness of the family within which you grew up. What were the kinds of messages that you were receiving both from within your family and the culture around you about these milestones in life about marriage, children, et cetera?
Bella DePaulo (07:20):
Yeah. I didn't feel pressure exactly. I mean, about being single, I thought I was so lucky because my mother never pressured me about that, not even subtly. And we spent a lot of time together, especially after my dad died. We did some traveling together and I thought she knew that I was really comfortable being single, that I'd found my place. I had lots of close friends and she had met many of them. I had a career that I loved. I owned a home. And so I thought she knows. And then in the last conversation I ever had with her alone as she lay dying, she brought up my single life for the first time and she said, "I worry about you." I can't remember what I said, but I know I was just heartbroken because I thought she understood that I had found my best life, my most meaningful and fulfilling life. And I kind of wished that I had already written Sngle at Heart and she could have read that, or I could have been better at telling her, but I never knew I needed to.
Nandita Bajaj (08:49):
You would've thought that the proof was in your life, the joys that you were expressing. And Bella, how old were you when that happened?
Bella DePaulo (08:59):
I think I was 46.
Nandita Bajaj (09:02):
And when did you know that you were single at heart? And maybe this is also a good place to define what single at heart means.
Bella DePaulo (09:11):
Yeah. So for people like me who are single at heart, single life is our best life, our most fulfilling, meaningful, psychologically rich life. It's our most authentic life. Single is who we really are and we are happy and flourishing because we're single, not in spite of it. Now for me personally, for a long time, I never knew there was such a thing as wanting to be single and wanting to stay single. So I would watch other people being interested in finding the one and getting married. And I thought, well, maybe I'm just slow. And I used to think, well, maybe wanting to get married was like getting bitten by a bug and I hadn't gotten bitten yet. So I was kind of waiting and waiting to get bitten. And at some point I realized, no, so you are never going to want that. Single is who you really are.
(10:16):
And I can't say it was like one particular aha moment. It was more like a gradual realization. But once I realized that, it was transformational because there was no longer this voice in the back of my head that said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't get a house yet." Oh, maybe this, maybe that. So it was just wonderful. And I can't tell you, like I said, a specific aha moment, but I can tell you when I started taking notes about this, which was December of 1992. So I was 39 and I was noticing the ways in which I seemed to be treated differently because I was single. So my colleagues at work, we would go out together for lunch during the week, but then on the weekends, the couples would socialize with each other and I wouldn't be invited. I was asked to come in to teach at night by the person who organized the classes.
(11:19):
And she said that she asked me because it would be easier for me than for the faculty who were married. And they didn't even have kids yet. And then there were like these little things. We used to have a department picnic and each faculty member would contribute the same amount of money toward the picnic. And at the time it was $10. So I would contribute $10 and come by myself. And the department chair who was probably being paid three times as much as me at least would come on his $10 and bring his wife and four kids. So for me, it kind of started out noticing those things and wondering if anyone else was having these experiences or noticing these kinds of things. So at first I just kept my little notebook and didn't tell anybody about it. But then at one point I decided it was time to start talking to other people.
(12:19):
So I was at this social event and I went up to someone I didn't know very well. I knew she was single, but not much more. And I told her some of the stories I just told you. And I said, did you ever have experiences like that? Oh my gosh, did she ever? So she started telling me. Then somebody else heard us talking and joined it. Then somebody else heard us talking and joined in. By the end of the night, we had this whole big circle all exchanging stories like this. And then I woke up the next morning, turned on my email and found some emails from some of the same people saying, "Oh, and another thing." So I realized this was hitting a nerve. And at that point, for me, the entree into this line of work was all these little personal things. I still had no idea about the big systematic structural ways in which people who are single and people who don't have kids are disadvantaged while married people and people with children are advantaged.
(13:33):
And it's big things like social security or what payout we get when we're older to support ourselves. And as a single person with no kids can pay into this social security fund my entire life, side by side with, let's say, a married coworker who is also paying into the fund. But when I die, what I earn goes into the system, whereas what my married colleagues earn, they can get back and their spouse can get it when they die or when their spouse dies, they can give it to them. And it can go even to some of their exes if they were married to someone for at least 10 years. So my money that I earned is going out to pay somebody else's ex. And single people in the US always pay more taxes on the same taxable income as a married couple filing jointly.
(14:34):
And then there are laws like what's called the Family and Medical Leave Act. That's a federal law that lets workers in eligible workplaces take time off to care for an ailing parent or child or spouse. So a colleague of mine who's married with children could take time off to care for a spouse, child. Their spouse can take time off to care for them, but there is no one in my life that I can take time off to care for. Even if I've had, as I have, a close lifelong friend who's been in my life longer than most people's marriages, or if I have a niece and nephews, I can't take time off to care for them if I wanted to, and they can't take time off to care for me. So it's not only unjust, which it is, but it also stands in the way of forming meaningful human bonds. And when you care for someone or someone else cares for you, you can think of that as a burden and it can be, but it can also be a very meaningful experience that draws you closer.
Nandita Bajaj (15:53):
Right. And I think the way in which our policies are designed, they also inform the way we learn to feel and behave around expectations around being single, having or not having kids, marrying, because if our norms and policies privilege certain behaviors, then you automatically start to believe that something about what you're doing or wanting is not normal.
Bella DePaulo (16:25):
Oh, yes. Here is my most frustrating experience with that. So I hear from people out of the blue, people I don't know, and they'll send me an email and it'll say something like, "Oh, I'm single. I love my solitude. I love my freedom. I love getting to spend as much time as I want with as many different people as I want. And I just never wanted to be part of a romantic couple." And then the next sentence will be, "What's wrong with me?" I mean, it's just like, you're kidding me, right? So they have what everyone wants, a life that they enjoy that feels meaningful and authentic, and they think there's something wrong with them. And I tell them, "You should be proud. You have it." And don't pay attention to these cultural messages that say that you can't possibly be truly happy and truly fulfilled unless you are in a committed romantic relationship and have kids.
Nandita Bajaj (17:32):
Yes, totally. And speaking of some of the cultural messages, I spend so much time looking at the cultural messages specifically around having kids and people who don't want kids or can't have them and just the hoops that they have to jump through in order to arrive at a more authentic decision. And sometimes they don't have the privilege or space or confidence to arrive there. And what you're talking about is a deeper layer of that, of pronatalism, which is that you have to be in a romantic relationship. And I think the pressures on both ends are immense to be together and to have kids. Can you highlight some of the tropes that are built around marriage and romantic partnerships and what are the kinds of things single people hear?
Bella DePaulo (18:30):
Oh yeah, that they don't know their own minds. So both for not wanting to get married and not wanting to have kids. "Oh, for marriage, you just haven't met the right person. Oh, you'll change your mind. Oh, wait till you get older." Well, I'm 72. I don't think I'm going to change my mind. And it's really kind of obnoxious, not intentionally so, I don't think, but they're telling you, this other person is saying, "Okay, you're telling me you don't want kids, you've never wanted kids, but I'm telling you, you're wrong." What the heck? And for me, I was more explicitly shamed for not wanting to have kids than I was for not wanting to be married.
(19:15):
And my favorite, so to speak, example of that was when I was in grade school, there was this very special thing for the girls in grade school, which was that for an hour when the teachers were having lunch, one of us would get to go out on the playground and watch the kindergartners. I had a friend, her name was Lynn, and she loved that. She couldn't wait for her day to come, and I was okay with it, but it was no big deal to me. So when my day came, I told Lynn that she could have my day, and she did, and she was really happy. But then afterwards, when we all came, we were all inside, the teacher goes in front of the room and in her most disappointed voice said, "Bella did not go out to watch the kindergartners today. She didn't want to." And here I was thinking, I was doing this really nice thing because Lynn loved the kindergartners and I didn't hate them. I just, it wasn't a big deal. And here I was shamed for doing what I thought was a nice thing.
Nandita Bajaj (20:37):
Right. And the fact that you didn't want to was not a legitimate response for a young girl.
Bella DePaulo (20:44):
Yeah.
Nandita Bajaj (20:44):
Because of course the expectation is all of us are born with this innate maternal nurturing capacity to be around children.
Bella DePaulo (20:55):
Yes. And also the assumption that of course you would want that and you would want to have kids in your life and you would want to be seen as maternal. And I have some stories about that from my colleagues at the University of Virginia where I taught for two decades where when one of my colleagues had an infant and I was holding the infant at one point and he said with this big smile, like he was giving me the most amazing compliment, "Bella, you're a natural." And I didn't really mind, but it was like it wasn't the big deal he thought it was. And then another example, he and another colleague had little girls. And when they were around, starting around maybe six or seven or so, they would say, "Well, how about if our kids have a sleepover with you?" And that was fine and I'd have them and it was fine. But I came to think that they were seeing themselves as feeling a hole in my life like, "Let me share our precious children with you for one night." So one night of not feeling that void in your life. Ah, no.
Nandita Bajaj (22:21):
Oh, those are such interesting stories. And you write in the book that you've been single for most of your life. Were you ever in a relationship?
Bella DePaulo (22:30):
Yes. When I was a very young adult, I was with several men and I have no dating horror stories. So when I think back to those guys, I still smile. I think of them fondly, but when each relationship ended, I was just so happy to get to go back to my one, true love, which was my single life.
Nandita Bajaj (23:02):
Yeah, I think that's a really, really helpful point. Often when people are looking at people like us who haven't made traditional choices, they think that it's some kind of trauma, whether it's a dating trauma or something rather than a joyful choice that we've made. And then yes, the title of your book is Single at Heart. And there are differences between people sometimes who are temporarily single by choice, single not by choice, and then single at heart. And I'm sure there are other variations of it. Can you draw out some of the differences between these pathways?
Bella DePaulo (23:48):
Yes, yes. So there are some people who are single and don't want to date or find someone, but their reasons are more negative. Maybe they've had terrible experiences or it's just so annoying to go through the dating apps or something that has to do with staying away from it. And that's really different than the single at heart who are approaching it because it's something that makes their lives feel richer and rewarding. Now there's some people who are single and they like being single, but they're open to a romantic relationship. And for them, it's often that they have standards. They like their single life and they're not opposed to getting into a romantic relationship, but it has to be worthwhile. It has to really add something to their single lives. And then there are the single people who really and truly do not want to be single and are very unhappy when they are single.
(24:53):
And then there are single people who haven't gotten past the should of it. And the same thing for kids. There are people who think, "Well, I really should want to be married, or I really should want to have kids." And I think that the more we can undermine and question the should, the better it will be for everyone. So with regard to romantic partnering, it's only fair to the people who really do want to be romantically partnered, to have a partner who also wants that and isn't just doing it because it's what they think they should do. And same for parenting. Why would we want to encourage people to have kids who really don't want that?
Nandita Bajaj (25:43):
Yes, completely. And in the book, you talk a lot about how allies can help people who are single at heart or people who don't know yet that they are. How can society and how can friends and peers and workplaces be more inclusive?
Bella DePaulo (26:03):
Well, one is the policy level that we already discussed, and some of that is beyond an individual employer's domain, but they can do things like be more sensitive to the people in the lives of people who are single and don't have kids, like being open to them, taking time off to be there for someone who needs them or is celebrating something the way most workplaces will automatically honor those kinds of wishes of people who are married with children. Another is to make sure the workplace isn't all about kids. And that includes everything from the kinds of social gatherings there are to how people talk to each other in the workplace. And it's important to recognize the people in the lives of single people. So you know how you kind of automatically ask someone who is married about their spouse or about their kids? Well, find out about the friends and the important people in the lives of the single people who have no kids and ask about them routinely the way you would about someone who is married and has kids and ask about their interests.
(27:26):
I mean, when you are talking to someone who is single, there are better questions than "Are you seeing anyone?" Learn about what interests them, maybe what they've been involved in, what their passions are, and ask about that. And I think it's not just that you're being polite to them, which you would be, but I think conversations would be more interesting to everyone if they weren't always about kids and grandkids. And we all have lives, even people who have kids and may want to talk about other aspects of their lives.
Nandita Bajaj (28:05):
Yes, exactly. And I'm also thinking about, and often in workplaces, they have milestone celebrations. So you'd have an engagement party or a wedding party or a baby shower, but for people who are single or people who are childfree or childless, especially those for whom their life is a celebration of that choice, there are no milestones to those celebrations.
Bella DePaulo (28:36):
And a lot of times you're asked to chip in. So I'm donating to someone who gets engaged and then their wedding and then their kids and then their next kids. It's like, wait a minute, I don't mind being happy for them, but I have a life too. In some ways it's easy for me because I never wanted kids and I never wanted to be married. But I think of this person who told me that she wanted kids so badly and she had a health issue and she had, I think she said eight surgeries in order to try to be able to have kids, never was able to. And to be in a workplace where people were talking about kids all the time, having baby showers, she said she would always contribute, always act happy, but it was so painful for her.
Nandita Bajaj (29:33):
Yeah, I think it can be really insensitive for people who haven't chosen that. And similarly, people who are not single by choice who have just ended a relationship, it can be very painful. And you talk a lot about the value of friendships in your book, and you try to challenge this notion of they're just friends and how friendships are often demoted to a less valuable relationship than romantic relationships. And I love that you said it shouldn't be just boyfriends or just husbands because friendships often go deeper or longer.
Bella DePaulo (30:17):
They're more flexible. They're not as jealous either. I mean, you can have jealousy in friendships obviously, but it's not like you think that person belongs to you and you have first say over everything and they have first say over you. And there's something beautiful about a relationship that's totally based on choice and not on, you know, once you get married, there's all the laws and all the expectations and friendship is joyfully free of them.
Nandita Bajaj (30:52):
Yes. Can you speak to some of your friendships and what they mean to you?
Bella DePaulo (30:57):
Oh my gosh. Well, as 72-year-old, I have been in the world before all these communication online and social media and all that. And now, not only do I have friendships that I've had since childhood, but I have reconnected with people who I was friends with in childhood and we keep up on social media and there's something really nice about that. Oh, and let me tell you some other story, which I love. When Single at Heart was first published, I did a book tour. And at every stop of the book tour, I had a dinner afterwards. And people from all different parts of my life came, like people that I knew and childhood people from high school, from college, from graduate school. And also in 2015, I started an online Facebook group called The Community of Single People. It has now grown to more than 10,000 people in more than a hundred countries. Now, most of them aren't active members, but lots are. And at every step, people that I had known only virtually in this community would show up in person.
Nandita Bajaj (32:27):
That's lovely.
Bella DePaulo (32:28):
Yeah, it was just so wonderful.
Nandita Bajaj (32:30):
Yeah. I want to hear about what has, in comparison to the possibilities that exist, the very dominant narratives that exist in culture, what has your single life afforded you?
Bella DePaulo (32:44):
Oh my gosh. I wake up every day and I cannot believe my great good fortune to be able to live on my own and be captain of my own ship. And people often think, "Oh, when you're single, you get to decide what to eat and when to eat and what to sleep and what food is in your refrigerator and it's still there the next day and how warm or cool to keep your place." And all that is true and I appreciate it. But I think what people don't always realize is that it also enables big life-changing decisions. So for example, I was teaching at the University of Virginia and I did what was supposed to be a one-year sabbatical out here in California. And I loved it so much. I wanted to stay. Well, I had a life in Virginia. I had been there for 20 years.
(33:44):
I had friends. I owned a home. I had a teaching position with tenure at the University of Virginia, and I did not have a job yet out in California, but it just felt like I found my place. And there was no need to worry about if I had a romantic partner, would they want to come? Would they want to take this big financial risk? And on my own, I could just do it.
Nandita Bajaj (34:16):
That's such a nice story. And some of the other hidden beauties that you talk about in the book that a lot of people don't recognize are the value of freedom, which you just said, and solitude.
Bella DePaulo (34:31):
Yes. Oh, that's a big one, solitude. Before I started this research on people who are single at heart, I figured, well, they'll mostly like solitude because I did. But what was really amazing was that just about every one of them said, when I asked how important, if at all, is it for you to have time to yourself? Well, people who shared their stories with me, every last one of them said it was important. Some said it was like breathing. And this is so important because it upends that scare story that if you're single, if you don't have kids, you're all alone and you're going to be lonely. But if instead you cherish the time you have to yourself, you see it as an opportunity for productivity or creativity or spirituality or just getting to relax, then you're very unlikely to be lonely.
Nandita Bajaj (35:34):
Yes. And speaking of the trope of loneliness, another one that often comes up, and it's always used as an insult, is this notion of aging or dying alone.
Bella DePaulo (35:49):
Oh right, you're going to grow old alone. Oh, well, what's amazing about the single at heart and growing old alone is that even for some single people who aren't single at heart, they've been single a long time. They are doing well. So for example, if you've been single for a long time, especially if you weren't planning to, not out there looking for someone, you are tending to your friendships and the people in your life that are important to you. Whereas if you were married or in a committed romantic relationship and you do this thing that's typical, not every single couple does it, but it's typical, which is to you get married and you demote your friends so you don't see them as much or you see them at lunch instead of dinner and you don't call your parents as much. Well, what that means with regard to your friends is that when your marriage or relationship ends either by divorce or widowhood or breakup, now you're really alone because you put everybody on the back burner, you're not there.
(36:56):
And also, we were just talking about solitude, the idea that, oh, if you are single, you're going to grow old and be lonely and isolated. Well, again, if you cherish your solitude, you are not going to feel lonely when you have time to yourself. And there are other ways too that people who are single for a long time, especially if they want to be, are doing well in later life. And one is something that is or can be a real advantage while you're married or coupled and living together, which is that you don't have to do everything yourself. So you get to split up the division of labor, right? Although there are tons of battles over that, and who's not doing their fair share? But what happens then is that again, when the relationship ends, there's only three ways a marriage can end, right? Divorce, widowhood, or you die first.
(37:58):
So when you're the one left standing, now you either don't know how to do the things that your spouse used to do or you're out of practice. Whereas the people who have stayed single, they figured it all out. Either they know how to do those things themselves or they've figured out how to find someone who will help or find someone they can hire. And so they have these competences that are not so characteristic of people who have been married.
Nandita Bajaj (38:28):
Absolutely. Yes. This is wonderful. I wonder as we wrap the conversation up, if there's any messages you want to leave our listeners with.
Bella DePaulo (38:38):
Oh, yes. If you are single, if you don't have kids, live your life fully, joyfully, and unapologetically.
Nandita Bajaj (38:50):
Beautiful. Bella, thank you so much for such an incredible interview and for your decades of advocacy and work for people who are single at heart, and also allowing people to discover different life paths that challenge our dominant culture norms. I loved talking to you today. Thank you so much for joining me.
Bella DePaulo (39:13):
Oh, I really enjoyed talking to you too.
Nandita Bajaj (39:15):
That's all for this edition of Beyond Pronatalism. To share feedback about the show or a particular episode or to share your own story on the podcast, please get in touch with me using the link in the show notes. If you enjoyed this podcast, please rate us on your favorite podcast platform and share it widely. We couldn't do this work without the support of listeners like you and hope that you will consider a one-time or a recurring donation. Thank you so much again for joining me today as we collectively discover and celebrate the many different pathways to fulfillment beyond pronatalism. This podcast is brought to you by Population Balance, the only nonprofit organization advancing the rights and wellbeing of people, animals, and the planet by confronting pronatalism and other harmful ideologies. This podcast is produced and hosted by me, Nandita Bajaj, with the support of my production team, Josh Wild and Alan Ware.