Jenn | In Search of a Childfree Partner

ChildfreeMarriageOverpopulation

May 12

Written By Population Balance

After watching her parents struggle raising her and her siblings and experiencing similar challenges with extensive babysitting in her youth, Jenn knew that she didn’t want children. But cultural narratives made her believe that motherhood was mandatory, pushing her to become engaged to a person who wanted children and wasn’t right for her. Two years later, realizing that she was unwilling to compromise, she ended the engagement and committed to being fully honest to any future partner about her desire to remain childfree. Now happily married and childfree, Jenn and her husband enjoy exploring nature, developing hobbies, and caring for their companion animals.

Jenn (00:00):
There's a lot of pressure when you start entering your mid-20s to find your partner, get engaged, have a big wedding, buy the house, have a baby. I mean, that was just always the message. And so with that, I went into a relationship with the wrong person. It was a very fast engagement and it only lasted two years because the pressure became unbearable from his parents and him. And I was having physical reactions to the fact that my body was screaming at me, This is not right. This is not the direction you want your life to go in. And so I had to have a really big sort of awareness moment and it happened when I literally, I turned 30. It was like the light bulb just went off in my head and I finally made the decision to be 100% honest and I had to wind up telling him that I do not want children.
Nandita Bajaj (01:07):
That was today's guest, Jenn. Hi everyone, and thank you for joining me. My name is Nandita Bajaj and I'm the host of Beyond Pronatalism: Finding Fulfillment With Or Without Kids, an interview series in which through intimate conversations with people from diverse backgrounds, I explore how they are courageously and creatively navigating pronatalism, the often unspoken pressures to have children, whether from family, friends, or the culture at large. Each episode features a personal story, born out of liberated and informed choice, about redefining what family means, including being childfree or childless, having biological kids, adopting or fostering children or animals, or creating close-knit communities of friends and loved ones. Hello, Jenn and welcome to the Beyond Pronatalism podcast. Lovely to have you here.
Jenn (02:03):
Thank you so much, I'm glad to be here.
Nandita Bajaj (02:05):
And Jenn, can you please briefly introduce yourself?
Jenn (02:08):
Of course. My name Is Jenn. I live in the San Diego, California area. I am one year shy of 50 and my profession, which I've been in for more than 20 years, I am in the development industry, so fundraising.
Nandita Bajaj (02:24):
Great. Thank you. And from the little that you wrote in your story, it seems like pronatalism was a heavy part of your life and your upbringing. Can you share what that looked like when you were growing up, this expectation around having children?
Jenn (02:42):
Sure. So let me start by saying that while yes, it did have a prevalence in my life where it didn't was with my parents. So I was very, very fortunate to not feel pressures from my immediate family around having children. That's probably not the case in all families, but it's funny to me when I think and look back that my mom, and she'll say this to this day, she knew before I probably even named it that I was making a choice to not have children. And I think many factors went into that decision without getting too deep into my childhood or some of the heavier triggers, if you will. I just really was observant of the struggles that my parents went through having three children. And that was back in the '70s and '80s when they were raising young children and '90s and all the financial challenges around that and that presented themselves on a daily basis and just also recognizing the amount of energy that it required for my mom in particular because my dad was always working.
(03:59):
And then my mom, she was a teacher and always burning the candle at both ends. So it just seemed to me that gosh, this having a family and all the responsibilities that go along with it, it was exhausting. So that was one piece to my upbringing. The other part was pretty simple. It was just a biological innate feeling that I had and I knew pretty early on as a teenager after having been the babysitter of both of my younger brothers starting at the age of 10, I was doing that and not loving it. And then I just seemed to always take on this role since 10, 11, 12, 13, teenage years and even into my college years where I was always babysitting somebody's child, neighbor children. I nannied for a while. I traveled with a family to help them with their children. And so I was getting that full experience because I would start my day at eight o'clock in the morning and end at six and just really recognizing that I don't feel this is going to be the right decision for me.
(05:12):
So all of that said, that just in itself was never a good enough answer. And while my parents weren't pressing me about it, I certainly had other family members, friends of our family, friends' parents, and then let alone having different relationships that you go through as a teenager and then in your twenties and you're dating and you have this boyfriend and that boyfriend and those guys always wanted to have children. And I would say to myself, Gosh, I don't think there's a man out there that isn't going to want children. And so I might have to sacrifice and I might have to just settle with having one. And that became sort of the message in my mind and the narrative for me that I will have to have one child because otherwise how will I have a partner in life? I won't be married. And that narrative played in my mind for a good 10 years from the time I was 20 to 30.
(06:13):
So it was always that small lie going on in my head. And as a young woman, there's a lot of pressure when you start entering your mid 20s and late 20s to find your partner, get engaged, have a big wedding, buy the house, have a baby. I mean, that society, I mean, that was just always the message over and over and over again and it was happening to me. And so with that, I went into a relationship with the wrong person. It was a quick, very fast engagement and it only lasted two years, the engagement because the pressure became unbearable from his parents and him and I was having physical reactions to the fact that my body was screaming at me, This is not right. This is not the direction you want your life to go in. And so I had to have a really big sort of awareness moment and it happened when I literally, I turned 30.
(07:15):
It was like the light bulb just went off in my head and it would not go off and all the sirens were going off and I finally made the decision to be 100% honest and I had to wind up telling him that I do not want children and he couldn't accept that. So that ended and I'm very grateful that that ended because that wasn't the person that I was meant to be with. And about two, two and a half years later, I had stayed single. I enjoyed my life. I went back to do some schooling. I traveled. I got really much better in my profession. I had a mentor. I did all the things that my dad kept telling me to do. I didn't listen to him for so long. He just kept saying, Take this time for you. You're young. You don't have to put pressure on yourself. And that's when I met my now husband, who I have been with for 17 years.
(08:05):
So he and I very early on in our relationship, I mean, we were dating. We weren't even considered boyfriend, girlfriend yet. I was about 32 and he was in his late 20s. It came up pretty quickly and I asked him the question, Do you want children? Because in my mind I wasn't going to waste someone else's time and I wasn't ever going to hold anybody back from having a child. I mean, in my opinion, that is the biggest decision you will make in your life, whether to or not. So he didn't respond right away and I thought, Oh no. And I liked him and it was going really well and we were having so much fun together and it was light and easy. It was the easiest relationship I had ever been in. And I said from the get-go, I do not want children.
(08:58):
I just want you to know because if you think feeling otherwise, then this is probably not going to work. And he was kind of quiet about it and he, Okay. And he took it in and he didn't say yes or no. And then we came back to the conversation a little while later and then he said to me, You asked me and I never gave you an answer and I want you to know that the answer's no, I don't want children. And I've never ever told anybody that ever because it was just in his childhood and growing up, it was just this automatic, No, you're going to get married and have children and live in the same state where all your family is and that's just what you do. And he said that out loud for the first time and I felt his relief.
(09:45):
I could feel it from him. I felt very, wow, this could actually be. And I met my person. And then the interesting thing about that was I had been invited to his parents' house for the very first time to have dinner. I had never met them and it had probably been about maybe like four months now that he and I were dating and I came in and I sat down with them and talking with them and it was light conversation. And then his mom says to me, So Tim tells us you don't want to have children. You really feel that way. Just dropped it on me, totally dropped it on me and he was mortified. He was so embarrassed. He said, Mom, how could you ask her a question like that? You're just meeting her. He was not okay with that. And I said, Tim, it's okay. I'm happy to share.
(10:36):
And I just said, It's just not something that I feel is for me. And it doesn't mean that I don't love children or think children are wonderful and then people shouldn't have children. I don't feel that way at all. It's just not in the cards for me. And then she said, Well, now Tim informs us that he doesn't want to have children. And I said, Well, that's Tim's decision. And they were pretty quiet after that. They didn't really know, I think, what to say or how to feel, but they never put pressure on it after that. They never were pressing us, Are you sure? They never did that. And so I feel very grateful that that sort of had that moment and then it was out of here and that my parents always supported my decision.
Nandita Bajaj (11:20):
Wonderful. Thank you so much for all of that. What a fascinating story given that you didn't feel growing up the pressure from your family, but you did so much from society and the expectations. And I also really appreciate that for you it was the experience of spending so much time taking care of young children, that that was your justification for not wanting to do that again. Yeah. And I just found it so interesting with you and your partner, it sounds like your confidence and your decision during that early conversation gave him the permission to accept for himself that choice something it seems like he had always also not wanted.
Jenn (12:08):
Yeah. Like I said, I could feel and see it as visible and just the energy of his relief. And I think it was something that he was always thinking and feeling, but he didn't have the support around being able to be honest with himself and honor where he was at. And I've asked him over the years, Do you have any regret? Because that's the last thing I would want him to feel. And he said at times when we're out and we see families and we see little kids and having a happy, joyful moment with their parents or they're celebrating an accomplishment, a birthday or yeah, of course we're human. Of course we might think, gosh, what wouldn't life have been like if we did have a child? And I do believe, and this is not by any means to come off arrogant, but I believe that we would've been excellent parents because we're excellent parents to our animals.
(13:01):
They are our world and we're very attuned to them. But when we break it down, he and I both agree that we're not cut out for the day in and the day out of children, just not who we are. And for a long time I felt a lot of guilt around that. There was a lot of shame and a lot of guilt and you're supposed to, you're a woman and you're built that way. And then this whole question of who's going to take care of you when you get older?
Nandita Bajaj (13:32):
Oh, yes.
Jenn (13:34):
And I thought that's not a reason to have children because I have seen now in my almost 50 years on this planet, children who don't take care of their parents when they're getting older and they run the other way or they're falling out in family and you want to talk to your parent or you take all this time and energy and money because let's be honest how expensive it is to raise children and then your child just turns out to be not at all what you expected or hoped for until there's that angle of it too. And then the other question, and this I find this to be a little insulting as well, what do you want your legacy to be on earth? Just because I chose to not put another human being out that is a part of me has nothing to do with what my personal Jenn's legacy will be.
(14:22):
I've never for once believed that. I'm working on my legacy every single day that I'm on this planet and I'm trying to do good by our planet and be a very hopeful and bright light in somebody's life. And if someone were to ask, Well, what was Jenn like when I leave this planet? I would hope that those were some of the attitudes they would use to describe me. So we actually have a smaller family size now with my immediate family. I have two brothers and they both have one son and that's it. So they've chosen to have smaller families for various reasons and I'm so grateful to my parents again for never putting pressure on them that we want more grandchildren, you need to have more children. They've never done that.
Nandita Bajaj (15:06):
Yeah, that's so good. And I know that you said that his parents have kind of been quiet about the whole thing since then. Have you ever felt any kind of judgment from them? Do you still maintain a relationship with them? Do you see them?
Jenn (15:23):
Oh, yes. Yeah. And I don't feel at all judgment from them around this topic, the not having children, no. I mean, it was a moment and I think that knowing his parents the way I do, and I've known him for a lot of years now, they're off the cuff. We are native New Yorkers, we tend to be direct and I actually now see it as a compliment that they felt that they could actually go there and ask me that question, that they felt that I was not guarded and I just tend to be an open book person and I have a very open mind. I mean, it definitely threw me for a loop then, but now it doesn't phase me anymore. I am phased though, I'm not going to lie, I'm definitely not okay with the pronatalism topic becoming such a prevalent thing now in the media.
(16:15):
It is not okay. It is not okay to tell a woman that she will be offered $5,000 in the delivery room. That is disgusting. I'm very passionate about being very vocal about everything that this administration stands for here in the United States. There's so much wrong with it, but sticking to the pronatalism topic and J.D. Vance and how offensive he was when he said that women who don't have children should not have the right to vote. Oh my goodness. I get red on my inside when I think about that and that we don't have the same vested interest in the direction that our country is going in. How dare you? And to refer to us as crazy cat ladies, I mean, does he hear himself speak? I'm very supportive of people having children, but we need to have children responsibly and to keep in mind that there are only so many resources available to us eight billion people on this planet.
(17:15):
And I always just take pause when you'll be talking with somebody and you tell them, there's eight billion people on the planet. They have no idea. They have no clue and no one can really comprehend what eight billion looks like. But when you start talking about poverty and water scarcity and socioeconomic problems and, Oh, well, those problems all exist in the developing world or the undeveloped world. And you're like, Why? Those people don't have the same right that we have to have a quality of life? So I feel strongly about the education piece of educating all the generations about just the topic of population itself and how it's connected to so many of these worldly problems and to stop and think about your choice to have children and what that might mean for the future sustainability of our planet and obviously for the people living on our planet.
Nandita Bajaj (18:09):
Yes. So well said, totally in line with the work that we're doing here at Population Balance as well. And speaking of the freedom, can you talk a bit about what your life today looks like with your husband and your animals?
Jenn (18:26):
We have a very fulfilling life, my husband and I. Had I not met him, I most likely was planning to stay single. I mean, I didn't get married until I was 35 and a half. I took marriage very, very seriously and I was not going to go down that road unless I knew that my partner and I were aligned. I'm so grateful for our life. We live in a beautiful state of California. We enjoy everything that we have here. There's so much to do here and it's such a fun place to live. We get a lot of satisfaction out of our time together. I mean, I guess I'm also fortunate in that way too in that I'm actually someone who wants to spend time with her partner and looks forward to seeing him and misses him. And we've always just had a really close connection and bond.
(19:17):
I mean, it was pretty instantaneous. I'm pretty positive and certain that we would not be living here had we had children. It's very expensive and it's how we've chosen to spend our money is to have our home here and it took us a lot of years to save to get to that point, but we did it. We had very good careers. I'm very grateful for that. But again, we worked very hard for that and during the day we're working. And then in the evening, I mean, he comes home and we're taking our dog for a walk or we're going on a small hike with her or we're hitting the gym, we're going to see concerts, cooking together. We have a lot of hobbies that way. I love gardening. My husband likes to work with metal. He's a welder and he's very good at it and just have that freedom and it's a lot of fun to be able to do that.
(20:06):
It's very rewarding. And the time spent in nature and with Mother Earth living on this side of the country is, oh my gosh, I could never say enough about having that option too. And because we have families spread out all over the country, we're doing trips to see them. We're having visitors come, we're hosting and oh my gosh, my animals keep me so busy. They're very comical. They're very affectionate. I get so much joy every single day being with them. And I'm one of those very fortunate people because I work remotely. I get to spend part of my time, while I'm working, my animals are here. I think that all of these pieces of my life have been so fulfilling. And so hopefully that paints a little bit of a bigger picture for those of us who've chosen to be child-free.
Nandita Bajaj (20:57):
Absolutely it does. Yeah. It just adds to the whole tapestry of childfree lives and how unique and how similar they are and how fulfilling they are for those of us who have made that choice purposefully. And yeah, is there anything that you wanted to say that we didn't get a chance to touch on before we wrap things up?
Jenn (21:20):
Well, I want to thank you for hosting this podcast because it's really, I think, really important for people out there who might be on the fence or might not be 100% truthful with themselves or maybe not quite ready to honor their decision to hear people's stories. And this is a good platform for that and people have to be really careful about getting caught up in all the noise because there's so much noise around us. And as long as your feet are firmly planted on the ground and you are listening to that voice in your little head that's telling you you need to honor it and otherwise you will be one of those people who had a child who otherwise shouldn't have and we all have seen how that can go. So thank you so much for the opportunity to be on today and to share my story. And again, thank you for hosting this podcast. It's very important.
Nandita Bajaj (22:12):
Thank you so much, Jenn. And thank you for such wise words about honoring our own inner voice and to move past the noise. Thank you so much for joining me. It was lovely talking to you today.
Jenn (22:27):
You're very welcome. I agree. I feel the same way.
Nandita Bajaj (22:30):
That's all for this edition of Beyond Pronatalism. To share feedback about the show or a particular episode or to share your own story on the podcast, please get in touch with me using the link in the show notes. If you enjoyed this podcast, please rate us on your favorite podcast platform and share it widely. We couldn't do this work without the support of listeners like you and hope that you will consider a one-time or a recurring donation. Thank you so much again for joining me today as we collectively discover and celebrate the many different pathways to fulfillment beyond pronatalism. This podcast is brought to you by Population Balance, the only nonprofit organization advancing the rights and wellbeing of people, animals, and the planet by confronting pronatalism and other harmful ideologies. This podcast is produced and hosted by me, Nandita Bajaj, with the support of my production team, Josh Wild and Alan Ware.